


A Guy Like Me

by ohbutmewithmyribbon



Category: Gandrew - Fandom
Genre: Completed, gandrew - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-21 20:32:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 35,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16583648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohbutmewithmyribbon/pseuds/ohbutmewithmyribbon
Summary: Andrew loves Garrett, and Garrett can't seem to tell.





	1. Revelations

**Author's Note:**

> This is a pure work of fiction, none of this is to be construed as real life. For entertainment purposes ONLY.  
> Thank you :)  
> Have a great day.  
> Tumblr - ohandrewthankyousodamnmuch  
> Wattpad - ohbutmewithmyribbon   
> *There is more of this fic on Wattpad, wanted to post here as well so I could share!!!!

Andrew

It started out being so casual, that I guess I didn't realize what was happening. All of the pointless weekend trips, the days we spent at Shane's doing nothing, me being sad when I didn't see him. I never realized how I felt until I realized that he wasn't mine, and then I got mad. I got really mad that he wasn't mine, but how could I be mad?

This doesn't make any fucking sense. You're not gay. And I wasn't. It's not that I didn't want to be gay, in some cases, it felt like it would solve all my problems.

"You're a fucking idiot."

"What?" Oops. I'd forgotten where I was, something I'd seemed to be doing a lot of recently. I stood up quickly, knowing that I needed to leave before my mood carried over into the day. The last thing I needed was for Garrett to be worried about me. I fake a smile quickly and try to think of something to say.

"Nothing... I gotta go. I promised Nick I'd help him move his couch." What even? I don't give him a chance to speak, I wave goodbye and leave as fast as I can.

Once I reach the car I feel myself decompress and the anger returning.

"FUCK!" I slam my hands on the steering wheel.

"Whoa."

Oops.

I look to my left, there stands a surprised Shane.

"Oh. Hey."

"You good?"

"Yeah."

"Andrew."

"I'm good, Shane." I avoid making eye contact with him, he would read me like a book. He'd know I was upset.

"You're not looking at me."

"I'm good." I stare at the steering wheel for a second and then begin to put the car in reverse. He wouldn't say anything, and I knew he wouldn't.

"See you later?"

"Yup." I pull out of the driveway and make my way home.

I should've known that once I got home that I'd have multiple texts from Garrett, and a message from Shane. I hang my coat, toss my keys on the table and grab a beer from the fridge. It was only three pm, but I had never wanted anything more. I open it and take a long drink before I even glance at my messages. I sit down, leaning back into the couch that of course, Shane got me. At least it wasn't a Garrett gift, I thought as I close my eyes. What even was I feeling? Anger? Sadness? Confusion? All of the above. What the hell had I gotten myself into? I was fine a week ago, and now all of a sudden all of these emotions and feelings are clouding my judgment. What changed? What happened?

"HEY! You left so suddenly (weird) um anyways! Are you still coming to see the house later? Just need to know, I'm kinda gonna film you coming since you haven't seen it yet!! Excited! Just uh let me know?" - Garrett

"Also!!!! There will be snacks! Okay.. there will be cheezits and diet coke. Your favorite!! OKay... My favorite.." - Garrett

"Are you okay???" - Garrett

"Hey... just wanted to check in, make sure you got home safe. Are you sure you're okay? You seemed really upset today in the driveway... Are you coming to Garretts tonight? He wants to surprise you, so you need to tell him if you're coming or not... Text me back so I know you're home safe." - Shane

I decide to text Shane back first.

"Made it home safe. I'm good, just have some things that I'm trying to figure out. I don't know about Garrett's yet, I will let him know."

"I'm always here if you want to talk. He really wants you to come, but if you're not up for it, then let him know." - Shane

"I will let him know if I decide to go. I know, thanks, Shane."

I leave my phone on the couch and get up to shower. Maybe I just needed to clear my head and think about everything. I turn the shower on and undress. The hot water streams down my back and down my body. I start my shower process and feel myself begin to somewhat relax. I can't stop thinking about him. But why? I'm not gay, I wished it could be that simple.

I get out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist, I decided that I needed another beer and that clothes aren't necessary at the moment. That was my first mistake. Well, actually, I guess my first mistake was leaving the door unlocked, no... actually, the first mistake was texting Shane before texting Garrett because the motherfucker was sitting on my couch.

"Garrett?"

"Andrew! Hey! SO are you coming to the house tonight? By the house, I mean my house... I should've specified what house I was talking about because we never go to mine... So are you coming?"

"I'm naked." Is all I could say, as I feel my face turn bright red.

"Oh. Yeah, I guess you are." He doesn't seem the least bit phased.

"Uhh... I'm going to put clothes on." I grip my towel tightly and hurry out of the room.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck??? I shut my door quickly behind me right as my towel drops. I lock it behind me and begin to search for pants, shirts, socks, any type of clothing. Why was I so messy? That's where Garrett and I bonded, us both being messy guys, Shane as well. I guess we all were that way. Thank God for Ryland.

"Andrew? Have you been drinking? Will you need a ride to my place? I can take you. I'm already here anyway. You're coming, right? Sorry to intrude by the way... I was worried when you didn't text me back... I wanted to make sure you were safe." Of course, he did. He's so sweet and kind, and thoughtful, and just great. He's great, and good, and perfect and fuck me I am in deep. No. No. No. Let's not follow this path of thinking right now. Let's not think about how much I want to kiss his stupid face because I am not gay. I am straight, and I just am feeling lonely is what this is, and I'm projecting feelings that aren't there, I don't like him that way. I'm just lonely, I just miss Gabbie. I'm not gay. I'm just not. I like women, not men. I am straight. I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight.

"Andrew?? Are you okay? Are you drunk?" I quickly dress and exit my room.

"What? No. I'm good. Sorry, I didn't text you back, I wa-"

"Wait, I thought you had to help Nick with his couch? Why are you drinking if you have to help Nick with his couch?"

"What? Oh yeah, no... I got the days mixed up... He meant next Saturday." Fuck. I shouldn't have lied, to begin with, now what?

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So. Tonight?" I sigh and walk over to the kitchen, I grab another beer.

"I don't think I'm gonna come... I've been feeling strange lately, I think I should just stay home." I watch as his face falls, and he clearly becomes upset. "I'm sorry Gar, I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to bring the group down. I know this is a big deal for you. I want you to be happy tonight, not worried about me." He avoids eye contact with me, another thing we have in common, I note.

"The whole point was for you to see... Okay." He cuts himself off and stands up, still avoiding eye contact. "I guess I will get going, see you later buddy."

"Garrett..." I make a move towards him but stop myself, I don't know what my actions would be after that point. This fucking sucks.

"It's fine. I'll see ya." I clench my fists, angry at myself for upsetting him.

"B-Bye." I manage.

"Yup." Shit. He's mad. Why? Why is he mad? Not a big deal for me to miss a hangout? I watch as he leaves, shutting the door abruptly behind him. I open the beer and chug it down, I shouldn't be drinking, but I'd already fucked up more than I thought I would today, so why not drink some more? Again... I'd regret that idea.

It was only nine thirty and I was drunk. Fuck. Something was buzzing, and it wasn't just my head. I'd sat in the same place for hours, drinking my thoughts into oblivion, and angrily watching The Office. The buzzing stopped and was soon replaced with knocking. Who even? I find myself rolling off the couch to my knees, I pull myself up and stumble to the door. I glance through the peephole. Son of a bitch. Shane. Of course, Mr. Save the Day Dawson to the rescue. I open the door and fake a smile.

"Shane! To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Andrew what the fu- Oh shit. It's worse than I thought."

"Yeah. It sure fucking is." I groan, slamming the door behind him. I stumble to the kitchen and grab for another beer, but they're all gone. "Damn it."

"Andrew... What is going on?" I stand in the kitchen, my back to Shane. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe I was just being sensitive, or maybe I just felt really bad for missing Garretts big reveal, but I could feel myself begin to tear up. I wipe viciously at my eyes. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I don't cry, at least not in front of anyone.

"W-what? What do you mean? I'm good. We're good. It's good." I keep my stance facing away from Shane. "I need more beer, I'm going to go get some more beer." I shut the fridge and turn to get my keys.

"No. You don't need more beer, you need to sit down." I feel him take my hand and lead me to the couch.

"Stop, stop, stop, stop!" I raise my voice and instantly regret it. I don't yell. That's not who I am, Andrew doesn't yell at anyone, especially not friends.

"Whoa... Okay. Okay." He stops touching me, I sit down on my own and cross my arms in front of me. It's happening, I feel myself beginning to tear up again. Fuck. Instead of wiping them away, I let them fall. I cover my face with my hands, feeling its muscles contract together, I am crying. I am crying in front of Shane. No, no, no, no, let's stop this, now let's stop right now. But I can't. The anger rushes out of me, the sadness and confusion as well.

"I...I... I don't know.." Shane puts a hand on my back, and I drunkenly lay my head on his shoulder. Sober Andrew would never.

"Shhh. Hey, you don't have to talk, just let it out." He pats my back rhythmically, an attempt to get me to calm down. It sort of works, and I feel myself to calm down. "Everything's gonna be okay. I don't know what's going on, or why you're crying, but you're gonna get through this. I'm here." I didn't think I'd like that. Shane comforting me with words, but I did. He was right, everything was going to be okay. I just felt so bad about upsetting Garrett, and every time I closed my eyes all I could see was how disappointed he'd been when I'd said I wouldn't come. I knew how much it meant to him, and I'd still bailed.

"I just... didn't want to ruin his night... I... I wanted him to be happy tonight... I know he wanted to show me... But I didn't want to ru...."

"Not going to lie, Andrew. He was upset as soon as you said you weren't coming... But you knew that. You know him better than any of us do, and I've known him for as long as I can remember being on Youtube." Why would he say this? Another wave of immense guilt crashes over me and I feel myself begin to cry all over again.

"I didn't mean to hurt him." Is all I could get out before I began to feel myself fall asleep.

I woke up on the couch, covered up with a blanket. A blanket that Garrett had actually bought me. It was Harry Potter themed, of course, I'd had the feeling that he'd bought it for me, to have for him when he came over. I'd never seen Harry Potter, but I couldn't let him know that, so when he'd given it to me, I acted as if I had, and as if he'd just given me the worlds greatest present.

"Morning." I sat up quickly, instantly regretting it, I laid back down.

"Morning," I mutter.

"Coffee?"

"Huh? I have coffee?"

"No, I went and got some this morning... It's twelve in the afternoon."

"Oh.. Cool. Please." I sit up again, slower and take the coffee from Shanes' hand. "About last night..." I begin, Shane stops and turns, listening intently. I continue, "about last night... I'm sorry..." I don't know where I'm going with this so I stop talking.

"You don't need to apologize... to me." Shane sits beside me, and I can't decide if I'm sad again, or if I'm mad at passive aggressive Shane.

"Look." I take a sip of coffee. "I know I messed up." Again, I don't know where I'm going with this, so I stop talking. I take another drink.

"What's going on?" And the sweet compassionate Shane is back, I begin to feel my guard come down again. "Last night... Last night was weird and sad, and confusing... And you might not want to talk about it... But for Garrett's sake, I think you should. Hell, for your sake I think you should." I nod.

"I know, I know. I just... Don't know." Now I'm just talking out of my ass. "I don't know what to say, I don't know what I'm feeling, or even how I'm feeling. I feel awful about yesterday, I didn't mean to hurt him, and when I told him I wasn't coming to his house the look in his eyes... Shane, the look in his eyes broke my heart. I just... I don't know what's going on with me, and I didn't want to bring the mood dow-"

"Okay, but you knew that he was excited for you to come over. I told you he was so excited, you should've at least tried to lie or something..." 

 

"I don't lie to him, Shane."

"Okay, so you just lie to me now? Look, I know you two are closer than we are, and that's great and all... But I can tell there's something going on with you, and it has to do with Garrett, so why don't you just tell me, and we can go from there?" Again, I feel myself becoming angry. Angry at myself for getting into this mess, and angry at Shane for thinking he could fix it.

"You think you can just fix everyone don't you?" I snap. Calm down.

"Excuse me?" The look in his eyes shifts from concerned, to angry. I regret this immediately, but I don't see myself backing down.

"Yeah... You think you can fix everyone, that everyone around you is just helpless and damaged. Dr. Shane fucking Dawson to the God damn rescue... Do me a favor and get the hell out of my house."

"Andrew..."

"Get out, Shane."


	2. Bad Ideas

Andrew

His laugh echoed in my ears, his smile sending sparks through my body every time I closed my eyes. I'd done nothing all day. What was there to do? Apologize. Other than that, what was there to do? I knew I'd fucked up, not once, not twice, not three times, but four times. Everything was just a mess, and it didn't help that anyone I would normally talk to about this was involved. My phone had been silent all day, no daily texts from the group chat, no snapchats from Ryland, Morgan or Shane. Obviously, I wasn't expecting anything from Garrett... I missed him.

I'd decided to spend my night watching the Harry Potter movies, yeah I know probably not a good idea considering it was Garrett's whole world, but I figured if he loved them so much, maybe I would too. Halfway into the second movie, I feel my phone buzz for the first time all day. Apart of me didn't want to check it because I knew it wasn't going to be him, but I wanted so badly for it to be. I check my phone, it was a notification, and his name was on my screen, but it was just an Instagram live post. Without thinking I clicked on the notification. Bad idea.

Ryland's face appears on my phone, so I guess he was filming then, "Just having a grand and good and fun time!!! Shane! say hi!"   
"Oh helloooo." Shane peeks his head into the frame briefly and then disappears.  
"Wait, I wanna be in it!" Morgan pops up out of nowhere, "Look at my new Gucci slides!"   
"Morgan that joke is so old, we're all about Louis now..." Roland rolls his eyes as his sister brings her foot towards the camera.   
"Yeah, but recent events have caused me to focus my money elsewhere via you making me move into the creepy ass haunted apartment."  
"Hey! That was your idea.." Ryland looks into the camera with a wince or embarrassment on his face.   
"Where's my phone?" Garrett. I missed him. My heart stops and then suddenly begins to race. "Ryland have you seen- Wait what are you doing? That's my phone!" Garrett appears on the screen and reaches for his phone.   
"I'm just showing everyone what they're missing out on! And that is a good and fun and fresh time! Sister James says that good and fun and fre-"

The live stream ended.

Ouch. If that wasn't the most direct slap in the face. I think Garrett slapping me in the face would hurt less. I lock my phone and toss it on the opposite side of the couch. Whatever. I didn't care, they could be mad, I'd fix it later.

But how?

I didn't know.

It was a bad idea. Like a really bad idea. Like Tanacon was a good idea compared to this bad idea.

"Having a movie night. Come over?"

Yeah. It was a bad idea.

"Hey!" I open the door and let her in, she looked good, but it was nothing compared to how I felt when I saw him. Damn it.

"Hey! Long time no talk, it's good to see you." She hugs me and walks into my place. This was a mistake. I shut the door.

"So... do you want anything to drink?" I walk towards the fridge.

"Uh yeah, sure." She sets her things on the table.

"I have beer and uh chocolate milk..." It was actually Garrett's, this was a bad idea. She laughs.

"I'll actually have chocolate milk, I haven't had that in years." I roll my eyes inwardly, how could she not drink chocolate milk? It was the best of the milks. I get out two glasses and pour us both chocolate milk. "So Harry Potter, huh? Let me guess, Garrett is making you watch them?" It stings to hear someone else say his name.

"Ehh. No, it was my choice, I wanted to see what the fuss was all about. I hope you don't mind, I'm on the second one." She shrugs and shakes her head.

"I don't care, I'm not really into Harry Potter." I cringe, Garrett would hate her. 

"Oh okay... Well, we can watch something else?" I hand her the glass of chocolate milk and go to sit on the couch.

"No, we can watch whatever you have... I don't think we'll be watching too much of the movie anyway... Right?" I take a big drink of chocolate milk, yeah, this was a bad fucking idea.

"Um... I have to pee, I'll uh be right back." She nods, and I set my milk on the table.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I could feel myself start to sweat and get anxious. What the hell was I doing? Okay. Calm down. Maybe this would be okay, maybe this is what I needed all along. Maybe. But, probably not at all. I debate whether I should send her home, but I decide against it. Stop being a pussy and go make out with her. She's hot. But it wasn't him, and I didn't care that she was hot. Just do it. So I did.

It was good, but then so bad. I found myself close to saying his name. Weird, I know. And this was not to illustrate her in a manly way at all, but the touch was gentle and soft, and it was hard to picture her there. All I could think about was Garrett, and how he'd be doing things right now. It began heating up, and I felt her reaching for my pants.

"Let's go to your room?" She whispers.

And it was ruined. I opened my eyes, suddenly snapping out of it and before I can stop myself I feel myself shake my head.

"No, no actually you should go... I'm sorry. I don't know..."

"Are you okay? What's wrong? Did I do something wrong?" Again, I shake my head.

"No! No, no, no! I uh... I don't feel very good. You should go."

"Um... o-okay. I hope you feel better? Text me?"

"What? Oh, yeah uh huh." She collects her things and heads to the door. "I'm sorry." She nods and shuts the door behind her. I collapse on the couch. "Yeah, that was a bad idea."

Garrett

"Where's my phone? Ryland have you seen- Wait what are you doing? That's my phone!" I grab for my phone, not really in the mood for social interaction of any type.   
"I'm just showing everyone what they're missing out on! And that is a good and fun and fresh time! Sister James says that, good and fun and fre-" I grab my phone and lock it, ending whatever Ryland started.

"Guys, cut it out, you know he's upset over the Andrew thing," Shane calls out over his laptop from his spot on the couch.

"I am not! I'm fine. I don't even care."

"Yeah, okay, the whole video was focused around revealing your newly clean house to him." Ryland chants.

"Uh yeah! Whatever happened? Did I spend my Saturday cleaning your house just for Andrew to bail? That's shitty." Morgan whines. I hated myself for this, but I began to get angry.

"Stop picking on him. He wasn't up for it, not a big deal."

"Yeah, okay!" Shane sarcastically blurts, as he shoots me a "you know you're lying and we'll talk about this later" look.

"Can we talk about something else?? Shane, what are you doing anyway?" I lean over to see what he's doing. He shuts his laptop.

"Oh, nothing... Do you have plans tomorrow?" He's hiding something, I decide to play along.

"I was going to go get Benjamin a new outfi-" He cuts me off.

"So no? Good!! Be here at nine, we have plans."

"All of us?" Ryland looks over, Morgan peeks out from behind him.

"Yeah, I wanna go!"

"Well, yes, I guess we can all go."

"All?" I ask, maybe Andrew would come. I missed him.

"Me, you, Ryland, and Morgan." 

Oh.

I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I hate this, whatever was happening with Andrew had also carried over into Shane's life also. So it was worse than I thought. Should I reach out? Should I text him? I'm going to text him.

"Just wanted to check and see how you're doing... Miss you buddy."

I almost didn't send it, reading it in my head sounded so pathetic. But what if he appreciated it? I sent it.

Bad idea.

"Hey Shane, come here." I look over from my spot on the couch, we'd decided to stay in and binge watch Jenna Marbles... again. I'd agreed, figuring it might cheer me up, and or get my mind off of everything else.

"Oh, shit."

"What?" I strain my neck to see what was happening. Ryland and Shane both look at me. "Guys, what's going on?"

"Someone just posted a recording of Andrew and some girl making out in his place."

"Ryland!!" 

"What?? He was gonna see it anyways? What's the big deal?"

"Nothing... Nevermind."

OUCH. I don't say anything at first. "Oh man... that's crazy. Do you think he knows he was being recorded? Today? The videos from today? Like just now? Or earlier? Or..." I stop talking.

"It's from ten minutes ago."

"Who posted it?"

"I don't know, some fan account posted it and it's blowing up." Ryland comes into the living room, sitting next to me on the couch. He begins to show me the video, I cringe. There he is, making out with some hot girl. Of course, she's hot, it's Andrew, he could have anyone. 

"Let's go to your room?"

I don't even bring myself to look.

"Nah, I don't wanna see that. Andrew's a pal, I don't want to see him in that setting." I push the phone away, but then I hear something that sends me over the edge.

Harry Potter theme music. Are you fucking kidding me?

"Is he watching Harry Potter in the background?? Wow." Morgan cackles from her spot on the couch. "What a loooooser." 

Emotions flood my body, I couldn't quite pinpoint what they were. Anger? Sadness? Jealousy? I didn't know. For a second anger takes over and I text him,

"Looks like you're just fine. Sorry, I asked." 

I sent it, and instantly regret what I've said. It's not your place. Who cares who he chooses to spend his time with? Not me. That's for damn sure. 

"Wait, hold on... He said something at the end before the video cut off." I hear Ryland and Shane talking.

"You're still on that?" It comes out as a snap, and I meant it as a snap, but I didn't want it to come off as a snap. Shane looks over, arching his eyebrow. I try to smile and play it off, but at this point, I'm too irritated to pull it off. Shane doesn't say anything, which was probably for the best.

I decide to leave Shanes and go home, I say goodbye to the group and head out the door. I walk to my car and realize that I'm shaking. This is insane. Get it together, Gar. Aw... Andrew calls me Gar, I miss him. Stop. Stop it, stop pining over your friend, so what he hurt your feelings and stomped on your heart, who cares? Obviously not Andrew... Mr. Make out with a hot girl while watching Harry Potter. Morgan was right, he was a loser. No. No, he's not, he's probably the coolest person I know. It'd be him, and then Shane, Ryland and Morgan, and then me. The lame one. Maybe that was it. Maybe Andrew was getting tired of me, maybe I was too lame for him to hang out with, maybe he was making new, cool, awesome friends who watch Harry Potter and drink chocolate milk, and make out on sofas. Maybe he'd moved on from us being best friends. I begin to feel sad. Sad that my best friend was drifting from me, and my other friends, sad that he clearly was dealing with something and couldn't trust me enough to share with me the burdens he felt. A lump began to form in my throat and I force myself to swallow it, I didn't feel like crying tonight. My heart felt heavy, and my head was all messed up. If only I could talk to him. Everything would be fine if I could just talk to him. I think. Or it'd be worse... Who knows. 

Once I got home I head straight to the shower, the best way for me to move on was to do the things I loved, so I took a shower and popped in my favorite Harry Potter movie. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, the second one of the series, where I really fell in love with the whole concept of cinema and directing. The books had been golden, and the movies were just the cherry on top.

"You doing okay? You left earlier than usual... Be at my place at 9:30, bring snacks." - Shane

"I'm good, thanks for asking!! I was just feeling tired. Will do! Have a good night, Shane." 

I toss my phone on the couch and continue to dry my hair while Harry Potter plays on the screen in front of me. Mid toss it begins to buzz. I look for a second and then decide that whoever it is could wait. I head to the bathroom to hang my towel up and begin to brush my teeth. 

"What do you mean? I'm sorry I've been distant lately and sorry I missed your clean house tour... I really wanted to be there to support. Miss you, buddy. ):"

I read the message a couple of times, by now, I'd had time to calm down over what I'd seen in the past hour. It wasn't even that big of a deal, get over yourself Garrett. But how does one respond to this? Ignore it. Just address the second part and go to bed. 

"It's all good! No worries, there will be other times... Well, not really... but it's all fine. Hope you feel better soon. Miss you more..."


	3. Don't Steal My Rootbeer

Andrew

"It's all good! No worries, there will be other times... Well, not really... but it's all fine. Hope you feel better soon. Miss you more..." 

Were we okay? Should I call him? 

Yes. I decide to call him.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"Andrew? Hi... How... How are you?" The sound of his voice made me want to cry. I missed him so much. 

"Garrett, hey. I'm... How... How are you?" 

"I'm good, yeah... I actually am about to leave for Harry Potter Land, Shane got tickets for me, him, Ryland and Morgan. We're about to leave."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. So how are you?" The thought of him hanging out with Shane without me. I didn't like it, and I could feel the anger in my chest return. 

"Um, good. Yeah. Well, I should let you go I guess."

"Wait, Andrew..."

"Yeah?" I could hear Shane and Ryland talking in the background. 

"So that's why you didn't come home the other night? I thought you were at Tana's again." "No, I was checking on..."

"Wait, what are you guys talking about?" I hear 

"Hello?" 

"Andrew, I gotta go! I'll talk to you later!" He hangs up. 

Breathe. 

I find myself struggling to collect my thoughts. Too much had just happened, I couldn't just leave the conversation at that. I decide to call Shane. I'd been meaning to anyways, ever since that night at my place. 

"Hello?"

"Shane? Hey... Can we talk?"

"Um... Yeah, sure."

"Is Garrett around?"

"He's in the kitchen."

"Oh."

"Yeah... Hold on, let me make sure he's not drinking my root beer." I hear Shane walking around for a minute before he speaks again.

"We're good, he got into Rylands La Croix instead." 

"Gross."

"I know right?"

"Listen, Shane... About the other night, morning, whatever it was. I just want to say that I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on with me lately, I've kind of lost myself, I guess. I took it out on you, and I know I shouldn't have. It was a big mistake, and I wish I could take it all back. I shouldn't have yelled at you, I know you were just trying to help and I probably should have just let you help me... Maybe if I would've let you help me I wouldn't be so fucked up, maybe I'd be happy with myself, maybe I'd actually care about life. I don't know. I just, I've never felt this low, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I've shut out everyone who cares about me, and I hate it so much. I just wish things would go back to normal. I don't even know what happened, I don't understand anything at this point." Whoa. He didn't say anything for a while. "Shane?" 

"I'm here."

"Okay. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is sorry. I'm sorry for yelling at you. I'm sorry for getting all defensive when you were just trying to help me. I shouldn't have kicked you out that morning." 

"So... Confession."

"What..."

"I'm in the car, because well we were about to leave when you called, so Garrett went to get snacks and a drink because it's Garrett and he's five, so he can't go anywhere without snacks, and well after I checked to see if he'd gotten into my root beer we both got into the car, and well we're taking the Jeep and well I guess my Bluetooth was hooked up to my phone so..."

"Everyone just heard everything I just said."

"Yeah, pretty much!" I hear Ryland chirp from somewhere in the car. 

"Ryland!!"

"What? It's true." 

"Wonderful. That's just wonderful." I feel my cheeks start to heat up, and anxiety begins to fill my body. My phone begins to buzz uncontrollably. I hold it away from my face.

"I'm sorry." - Garrett

"I feel like an awful friend!! I shouldn't have gotten mad at you for not coming to my house the other night... I overreacted!! I'm sorry!! Also!! We are on our way to yours." - Garrett

"Wait, no. Don't come over. I don't... I'm not in the... I don't want to... I'm not up for it, really... I'm so embarrassed. Please, just go enjoy your day."

"We're already here!" 

A knock at my door turns my blood to ice. 

Shit. Fuck. Damn. Shit. I hang up and look around frantically. The place was a mess, beer cans littered the floor, as well as some trash from the other nights Chipotle. Clothes were everywhere, everything looked awful, and now here they were, at my door, waiting for me to let them all in. And I had to because they'd come all this way, just to see me. Because they were worried about me. 

"Fuck me." I mutter under my breath.

"Andrew!! Let us in!" I want to die. 

"Coming." I mutter, my hands shaking, sweat rolling down my neck. I swallow hard and open the door. 

"Well, it's about time, OH MY GOD. Andrew!!! And you said my place was bad?? This looks like a pig sty!!! Bro! Clean up once and a while???" Shane gasps, I ignore him, my eyes go straight to Garrett.

He looked so good. His hair was a mess, his shirt was disheveled, and buttoned wrong. His glasses were crooked, and his pants were unzipped. Jesus Christ. Barging his way in he grabs me, wrapping me in his arms tightly. 

"I'm so sorry, A." He whispers in my ear. I feel myself begin to melt into his embrace, and then remember where I was, who was there, and who was hugging me. This is so hard. I clear my throat awkwardly.

"You... You don't need to apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. I should be the one apologizing, one hundred percent." 

"Okay break it up you two!" Garrett pulls away and makes himself comfortable on my couch. I can't stop staring at him. He looked SO good. I hadn't seen him in days, and seeing him now, and happy? And in my house? On my couch? I couldn't help but wish him to be mine, and for me to be the source of his happiness. That would never happen. I feel someone tugging on my arm gently. I look up from where Garrett was sitting on the couch, I find myself uncontrollably smiling at him. "Andrew..." 

"Huh?" I look away, and in the direction of where the voice was coming from.

"Can we talk? Privately?" I nod. I knew this was coming, and this time I wouldn't ignore it, like the time before. He walks to my room, and I shut the door behind us. "Okay. First of all, can we hug? I feel bad. I know I didn't do anything wrong, but I feel like I intruded a bit, and I'm sorry." I smile softly.

"Sure, we can hug." We hug, and then sit down, I sit on my side of the bed, Shane sits on the opposite side at the foot of the bed. 

"SO. I don't know. I know you said you were sorry, blah, blah, blah, and we forgive you."

"I really just want to move past it." I avoid making eye contact, yet again. 

"Andrew."

"What?"

"We can't ignore this. I can't ignore this. You're my friend, and you mean a lot to me! I know you're still in pain, and I think I know why..."

"I'm fine, Shane... Really. I'm gonna be fine."

"Maybe I'd actually care about life??? That's what you said, and whether you meant it in a scary way, or non-scary way is neither here nor there."

"Exactly. I meant it in a non-scary way, so we can just move on and forget it happened. We both know I didn't mean it in that way at all. Come on, Shane, you know me. It's fine."

"I think you like Garrett." 

"Say what?"

"You have a thing for him."

"No..." Shane cocks his head to the side and gives me a look. "Look, I know you're trying to help me out, and I appreciate it, really... But I don't like him." Liar. "Garrett and I are just friends, that's all there is to it."

"It's okay if you do like him, I think he would like you too actually." My heart begins to race at the thought of Garrett liking me back. I don't let it phase me though, I couldn't.

"Shane. I don't like him. Where is this coming from?"

"I can see it in your eyes, Andrew. Just earlier I practically had to get a crowbar between the two of you."

"He was comforting me..." I defend. Shane shoots me another look.

"For five minutes? It was more than that, and I saw the way you were looking at him."

"Stop. Just, stop. Look, thank you for coming to check on me. I appreciate it. I know you're trying to help and trust me, if I knew what was wrong, you'd be the first to know. You're one of my closest friends. Once I figure out what's wrong, I'll let you know. But, I don't like Garrett." Liar. "We're just friends, and that's all we will ever be. I'm not attracted to guys, I'm straight, I like women... I actually had a girl over last night, if you must know."

"Wait... You don't know?" Shane's eyes widen.

"What? I don't know what?"

"Have you checked any social media lately?"

"No... You know I have my notifications off for everyone but you, Ryland, Garrett, and Morgan."

"Well, I know you had a girl over last night, and I also know that you guys made out, and I also know that you sent her home because you were freaked out for some reason."

"Wait, what?? How the hell could you possibly know that?"

"Because it's all over Twitter."

"Or it was all over Twitter... I had them take it down after I saw it."

"How the hell?? What? Who? She wouldn't do that..."

"She might not have done it, but someone did, and a lot of people have seen it."

"A lot of people?" Garrett?

"A lot of people." I want to ask if Garrett had seen it, but I'm sure he had and asking Shane if Garrett had seen it wouldn't really prove to him that I didn't have feelings for Garrett. I wanted to know how he felt about the video, what his take was. Why hadn't he told me abo- Oh shit.

"It all makes sense now." The text he'd sent me, right after the nice one... "Looks like you're just fine. Sorry, I asked." So that's what he meant. Damn. Maybe he did care, but probably not at all in the least bit.

"What makes sense?"

"Hmm? Oh. Nothing." Shane gives me another look, but I don't budge. I don't need him harassing Garrett as well.

"Look, I don't like Garrett... I mean, I do. I like him a lot, but just as friends. He gets me in many ways that no one else does. He's my best friend, I don't know what I'd do without him."

"Okay, okay. I believe you."

"Really?" I'm surprised, it wasn't like Shane to give up this easily.

"Yeah... I believe you, but just answer me this," He pauses for a second, "If you really didn't like him in that way, if you really believed that you two were just friends and that you don't know what you'd do without him, why didn't you just tell him what was wrong the first time? Why did you lie to him? You said it yourself the other night, you don't lie to Garrett. But that night you did... If you really believed that you were just best friends, why would you hide your feelings from him? SO yes. I believe that you think that you two are just best friends, I really do. But you're not, you're more than that."


	4. So You’re Going On A Date

Andrew

"Yeah... I believe you, but just answer me this," He pauses for a second, "If you really didn't like him in that way, if you really believed that you two were just friends and that you don't know what you'd do without him, why didn't you just tell him what was wrong the first time? Why did you lie to him? You said it yourself the other night, you don't lie to Garrett. But that night you did... If you really believed that you were just best friends, why would you hide your feelings from him? SO yes. I believe that you think that you two are just best friends, I really do. But you're not, you're more than that."

"Okay... I think that's enough." And it doesn't come out mean, it doesn't come out bitchy, at all and I'm proud of myself. I take a deep breath and stand from my side of the bed. Shane's face remains expressionless as he gets up as well. He knew he was right, I knew he was right, anyone with eyes should know that he was right. "We should go out there... They're probably wondering what's taking so long." I walk out of my room, Shane follows.

He looked so good. But actually he didn't, he looked sad, I walk over to him.

"Hey Garrett?" He looks up from his phone, he smiles.

"Hmm."

"Can we talk?" I put my hand on his shoulder, seeing him like this fucking sucked.

"Yeah, of course."

"My room?" He nods and follows me to my room, "So... I just really wanted to apologize," I begin as I shut the door.

"Wait. Hold on." Garrett stands at the foot of the bed, his hands clasped together. "So, I've been trying not to freak out about this, and you seem okay now, but I just can't not say anything..."

"Garrett, what's wrong?"

"You said you didn't care about life? What... What did you mean by that? Like obviously I know that you... Well, actually I don't know, I-I don't know anything it seems, and I really just want to make sure that you're okay because I care a shit ton about you. I just... I guess what I'm saying is that I really... I'm really worried about you." I feel awful. But, I also feel good and I knew it was awful, I shouldn't be happy that Garrett was worried about me.

"I'm okay," I pause, Garrett gives me a look that says 'I know you're not okay, tell me what's going on or I'll sit on you.' I sigh. "Okay. Garrett, while I did say what I did about life, I didn't mean it. I mean... I meant it, but not in a serious way. I guess... Ugh okay." I stop talking, feeling myself begin to get serious, remembering the awful experience of the past few days, the getting drunk, the yelling, the sad Andrew experience. "I've been I don't know... I just haven't been feeling like myself lately, and I guess for some reason instead of me manning up, and dealing with it, I've just kind of I don't know... I don't want you to worry about me. I'll be okay. I just want to make sure you and I are good... So are we?"

"Oh Andrew, of course, we are. I don't know why you would think we weren't! I've missed you, and you swear you'll let me know if you're not okay?" I smile and nod.

"Of course."

\- 

"We could all dress up as characters from Stranger Things and ask people if they've seen Will!!!!"

Shane rolls his eyes and shakes his head, "Okay, that is the dumbest idea ever."

"Hey!! I think it's a great idea... Andrew?"

"No, Garrett, that's an awful idea." I say, remembering  the time I filmed him walking around town in an IT costume.

"Well, boo you too then!" I chuckle as he pouts and crosses his arms. He was so cute. 

"Oh wait hey! I have an idea!!!" Shane jumps up and claps his hands together. He looks at Garrett and grins slyly.

"Wait why are you looking at me?"

"Are you still talking to that one guy? What was his name?? Peter??" I feel my heart stop beating for a second, and I watch as Garrett begins to smile.

"What guy? Oh! Patrick? Kinda, yeah. I mean we keep in touch... We're actually hanging out tomorrow. We're going to go see the new Gaga movie! I'm so excited."

"Who's Patrick?"

"He's my friend, guy, boy that I met on Tinder a couple weeks ago! Oh right, I haven't told you about him yet! Oh, Andrew, you'd love him!"

Doubt it. I grit my teeth firmly and force a smile.

"Oh? That's good... because... well you know..." I stop talking.

"Garrett, how long has it been since you've had a proper date?"

"Oh, Shane... I know where you're going with this, and no!!

"But please!!!"

"Shane!! No! I don't even want a relationship right now..." 

"It's just a date! It'll be fun!! We can get you a haircut, and style you better an-"

"Didn't we already do that?" I interrupt, sending a look to Shane as if to say 'Stop this shit right God Damn now.' 

"Uh, yeah! But it was a hit and Garrett needs some ass, so??" I look over at Garrett and my heart breaks. He's contemplating it. 

I nudge him, "Garrett? You really want to do this again?" 

"I mean... What's the worse that could happen? And!! It's to help Shane? Plus we can spend the whole day together filming it? You're gonna film it right? Right, Shane? I mean he filmed it last time, so it'd only make sense." Shane looks at me, then at Garrett then back at me. 

The room is silent for a good minute before I finally cave and sigh. 

"Yeah. I guess. I guess I can film it." I sit there for a moment, before standing up. "Shane, can I talk to you?" Garrett looks up from his laptop curiously, I smile at him as if to tell him not to worry. Shane stays on the couch for a bit. "Now?" Shane shoots Ryland a look and the looks back at me. He sighs, and gets up, shutting his laptop and setting it to the side.

He follows me into the media room. "Should I shut the door?" 

"Please." I put my hands in my back pant pocket, pressing my lips firmly together I wait until the door is completely closed before speaking. "What the hell are you doing?" 

"What do you mean?" I know I'm going to regret this as soon as I think about saying it, but I knew it'd be a mistake from the second I'd asked Shane if I could talk to him. My secret would come out, and I'd have to admit that Shane was right.

"Are you seriously going to pretend that you don't know why I'm upset?" 

"Andrew, I seriously don't know...OH MY GOD YO-" I rush to cover his mouth. 

"SHH! Shane! Yes. Yes, I do. You were right, okay? I do, so let's just move on and figure out how to ruin this date." 

"I don't know... Andrew, look I know you like him, but that doesn't mean that you can mess this date up for him."

"Who do you think I am? I'm not going to do anything to mess this date up, I just... Wouldn't be opposed to Garrett realizing he doesn't actually like this Patrick guy, and in fact likes his best friend Andrew Siwicki." 

"Yeah, because that's going to happen. Andrew come on! He doesn't even know that you like him, for all Garrett knows is that you're straight, and you're still into that girl you had at your place the other night." 

Fuck, I'd forgotten about that. 

"But maybe I could just hint at it?"

"Andrew." He stops talking, to give me one of his signature poses, he clasps his hands together, "Look, I love you, and I am so happy that you have finally come to terms with your feelings about our good pal Garrett. However, are you comfortable with what may ensue after you tell Garrett how you feel? Like, are you even up for something like this?"

"You don't think he'll like me back?" 

"Oh no, he'd one hundred percent like you back and more, I'm just saying... Would you be able to be out and about with Garrett without closeting him again?"

"I don't think... I didn't really think about that. Do you really think he'd like me in that way, that much? That he'd want to go all out in public and do couple things?" I feel myself start to process what I'd done by sharing with Shane my feelings. He was right... What was I doing? Forget my feelings of annoyance at Shane, what about my own ignorant self? What did I think was going to happen? I needed to think more on this before I did anything else. "You're right... So I just let the date happen?"

"I mean yeah, you kind of have to." I sigh, beginning to feel myself to become frustrated with the situation, myself, and even Shane. I bite my lip before I ask, but I know I have to. 

"Did you do this on purpose?" I knew he'd be mad at me for even thinking this, but a small part of me believed that Shane'd set this up just in spite of me, or to force me to tell him of my feelings for Garrett that I wouldn't admit until the thought of him liking someone else, someone that wasn't me.

"I swear to God I didn't. I honestly had forgotten about your little crush until just now, actually." And I believe him. 

"Okay, but yeah, no you're right... I don't know what I'd do... So I guess I'll film whatever it is you guys are going to do." 

"Don't worry, we'll figure out something for you because let's be honest, we've all been waiting for this to happen."

"Wait, what?" Shane laughs, and Garrett begins to yell through the door.

"What are you guys doing in there?? Hello? Can I come in? I wanna know... Also, are we getting food or... OH! HEy! I just got a text from Patrick, yeah, he said that he is excited for our date tomorrow!" Date?  I clear my throat,

"Date? I thought you guys were just going to see a movie?"

"Well, me too, but now I guess it's a date! Oh, I have to find something cool to wear! RYland? Help!" The door opens, and there stands Garrett, a big, adorable grin plastered all over his adorable face. I can't help but smile. 

"So you're going on a date then?" 

"I am!! 

"Great."

"You okay?" His smile disappears, and I realize that I'm pissed, and he also realizes. "Wait, what's wrong? Did something happen? Did you and Shane fight? Do you not want to film? Do you have plans? Better things to do?"

"Oh my God, Garrett stop." I snap. He grows silent. Shit. Why was I like this? "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to."

"Are you okay?" He asks softly, avoiding eye contact, and picking at the hole in his jeans.

"Yeah, no... Yeah. I'm good. I yeah, I'm good."

"Really? Because I feel like you're lying."

"Garrett, I'm not!! Swear." Suck it up, and say something believable. 

"Swear?" He looks up at me, his eyes still somewhat untrusting of what I'd just said.

"Swear. I think I'm just hungry."

"You do get grouchy when you're hungry. You wanna go get some food, Andrew? I think we should get some food." While he was right about me being grouchy when I was hungry, I also knew that obviously, that wasn't the real reason, but I wouldn't let Garrett know the real reason. 

"Yeah, okay let's get some food."


	5. Supercuts by Walmart

Andrew

I'd been dreading this day since the very thought of Garrett dating another man had been suggested as a video idea. And I'd wanted nothing more but to confess my feelings for Garrett and be free of this secret that was slowly eating me alive. But Shane was right, I couldn't just spring something this big on him when I didn't know how I'd deal with it myself.

"You really think he'd make a big deal out of it?" Shane shakes his head, crossing his arms.

"Andrew, okay... You're missing the whole point though."

"Which is?" Shane sighs and rolls his eyes.

"Look, if you tell him... you know that you... like him, it'll change everything. He'll get excited because it's Garrett, and you're hot, and he's had a crush on you since the dawn of time."

"I'm not seeing the problem here." I smile, thinking about Garrett liking me back made me so happy.

"The problem... The problem is well... what you're going to do once the world knows that Andrew Siwicki is bi? Gay? Do you even know what you are?"

I bite my lip, I hadn't thought of what I was going to call it, "Well, not exactly."

"And that's my point." I sigh, frustrated.

He's right, and I hate it. I hate it so much. The truth is that I wouldn't know what to do, how to act, how to deal. I wouldn't know what the fans would do, or how they'd react. I'd tried to tell myself that it wouldn't matter what they thought and that it wouldn't matter how they'd react. All that would matter was how I felt about it, which was good. Liking Garrett felt good, so how could anything bad come of it?

 If only it was that simple.

"This sucks..."

"What sucks? Good morning, Andrew!! Morning Shane! I got you guys coffee!!! Well, I got all of us coffee, but I'm not sure you will like it. I forgot what you guys get, so I just ordered whatever." I smile, of course, he did. He hands me my drink and it takes everything in me not to wrap him up in my arms.

"So!!" Shane shoots Garrett a wicked grin, "You ready for this??"

Again, this sucks.

Imagine the love of your life, and you know that this person is the love of your life, okay. Now, imagine being able to tell this person 'Hey, you know... you're the love of my whole damn life.' Imagine their reaction, whether it's good, whether it's bad, just imagine it. In my scenario, it seems that his reaction would, in fact, be pleasant, and you're probably thinking 'Well damn, Andrew why haven't you told him?' Well, many reasons, many, many complicated reasons. Now imagine having to actually set up the love of your life, the VERY attainable love of your life with another person.

Fuck. This.

I set up the camera and begin filming on Shane's cue. I pray that this day goes by quickly.

"So, Patrick is gonna be here in thirty minutes, that will give us enough time to figure out what the plan is, and how the day is going to go." 

"OH! Yes!! I had a thought!!!" I pan away from Shane and focus on Garrett who's looking at me, instantly I begin to feel myself turn red. 

"Okay?"

"Right! Right, sorry I got sidetracked... Did you get a haircut, Andrew?" 

"W-What?"

"Garrett!! Get to the point?"

"It looks really good!! Where did you go? To get your haircut I mean, because I've been going to Brandi's on third, but the last time I went there she said she was going to be moving salons, and so now I'm in the need for a good hair person, and yours..." He walks towards me and I feel myself start to sweat. I turn the camera off, knowing that this is useless footage. 

"Wait! Don't cut just yet!!" Shane signals for me to keep filming, I look at him confused. Why would he? Shane hated extra footage, it was something we'd always argued over while editing videos, what to leave in and play with, and what to cut out completely. But I do as I'm told and turn the camera back on, thankful for the mini distraction from Garrett barging towards me. 

And then his hand is in my hair. Oh fuck. 

"Uh." Chills.

"Ohp!! Andrew! I am so sorry! You just have really exquisite hair! I must know who styles it!!" I clear my throat awkwardly,

"Supercuts by Walmart?" 

"Okay, ME!" Shane cackles, while Ryland looks horrified.

"Oh no, honey!" 

"HEY! I think his hair looks phenomenal!! Not one bad thing should be said about these amazing hairs! I forbid it!!" I can't take this anymore, the compliments, the touching, it's all getting to be way too much for a minute. I feel myself begin to hyperventilate. I turn the camera off and set it down for a moment.

"I uh... I uh, gotta pee. I'll be... back. Yeah, I'll be back."

"Wait what's wrong?" Garrett removes his hand quickly, I can't wait any longer, I had to get out of there. 

"Just give him a minute, G. So you were saying about your idea?" I rush off to the other room, trying to focus on just breathing, having a  feeling this won't be my first anxiety attack of the day.

Garrett 

"Hi, yes, can I get a three venti iced coffees with cream and vanilla please, and then two venti iced coffees with caramel and cream?"

"Can I get a name?"

"Garrett." 

"We'll have your total at the window!"

"Great, thanks!" I pull around the building to the first window and pay for the coffees. It's nine thirty, aka the time I'm supposed to be at Shanes, but here I was getting coffees because my original plan to make everyone coffee had failed and I'd decided that ultimately Starbucks would just be easier. I pull up to the second window and immediately wish that Andrew was with me. We typically carpooled to Shanes when we had something to film, but for some reason, we hadn't this morning. 

"Do you need a drink carrier?"

"Yeah! My..." What was he? Buddy? Pal? Friend? "Andrew, my uh... Andrew, uh. Yup! I'm solo this fine morning." I can feel her judging me and my scrambled brain, and it'd be nice to hear Andrews hilarious laugh right about now, but he wasn't there, so I just sat there and waited for our coffees. 

I missed him. 

I make it to Shanes at around ten, so I'm only thirty minutes late, hey... At least I'd made it in one piece. I can hear them talking as I near the door, balancing coffees, as well as my phone, keys, and wallet in one hand, my other hand reaching for the doorknob.

"This sucks..."

"What sucks? Good morning, Andrew!! Morning Shane! I got you guys coffee!!! Well, I got all of us coffee, but I'm not sure you will like it. I forgot what you guys get, so I just ordered whatever." 

I manage to make it into the house without spilling anything or dropping my phone. I breathe a sigh of relief as I take a sip of coffee. My eyes drift around the house, Ryland said he'd been decorating for Halloween, and remnants of spider webs and window stickers were plastered all over the house. If only they'd let me decorate, I'd really spook the place up. I stay in my zone for a while, not really paying attention to anything that's happening until my gaze falls upon Andrew. 

"So!!" Shane turns to me, grinning widely, "You ready for this??" I can't stop staring at Andrew. I almost forget what I'm here for.

 

I remember the plan and start to get excited, "OH! Yes!! I had a thought!!!" I literally can't stop staring, what is wrong with me? Snap out of it, he's going to think you're weird again. I'd worked so hard to prevent that. Straight guys were never comfortable around me. Well, no, that was a lie, there were a few cool ones. Would Andrew be a cool one? I hoped so, Andrew was so cool. With his little zip up hoodie, and basic t-shirt. Ugh. Okay, enough about Andrew, I feel Shane nudging me, 

"Okay?" He signals for me to go on but I don't remember what I'd been talking about.

"Right! Right, sorry I got sidetracked... Did you get a haircut, Andrew?" 

Well, damn. He looks good. Now, don't get me wrong, he always looked good. The man was gorgeous, and it was so effortless too, which made me mad sometimes, because here I am just a freaking potato of a person, and then BOOM there's Andrew, Greek God. It made going to gay bars with him really hard, no one ever hit on me there.

"W-What?" Andrews' face grows bright red, but this doesn't stop me from making the already weird situation weirder.

"Garrett!! Get to the point?"

"It looks really good!! Where did you go? To get your haircut I mean, because I've been going to Brandi's on third, but the last time I went there she said she was going to be moving salons, and so now I'm in the need for a good hair person, and yours..." Before I can stop myself my hands are in his hair, just doing their thing. Stop. Garrett Watts, get your hands out of Andrew Siwicki's hair before he punches you in the throat and calls you weird hands. Why was I using full names? Why am I like this? Am I talking out loud? God, I hoped not. 

"Uh." He looks horrified. So typically when someone is horrified that your hands are in their hair you'd remove them correct? So why wasn't I? Why was I like this? At least apologize you fool! 

"Ohp!! Andrew! I am so sorry! You just have really exquisite hair! I must know who styles it!!" I blurt out. What the hell? I hate myself, he is so uncomfortable, take your hand away from his hair, you big doofus. 

"Supercuts by Walmart?" I laugh out loud.

"Okay, ME!" Shane cackles, while Ryland looks horrified.

"Oh no, honey..."

"HEY! I think his hair looks phenomenal!! Not one bad thing should be said about these amazing hairs! I forbid it!!"

"I uh... I uh, gotta pee. I'll be... back. Yeah, I'll be back." Finally, I remove my hand from his hair. I feel awful, I've caused tension already and it wasn't even eleven am, the day hadn't even started yet. 

"Wait, what's wrong?" Andrew rushes away to a different part of the house. I want to follow him, but Shane stops me.

"Just give him a minute, G. So you were saying about your idea?" 

 

"Wait, no... What just happened? Is he okay? Did I cross a boundary? No!! I didn't mean to do that! Dang it to heck man... Now I feel bad! Should I go check on him? I should go check on him."

"Don't you dare." Ryland shrieks. "You'll just make this worse, and then I'll have to film." 

"NO!" Shane yells.

"Hey!" Ryland smacks Shane on the arm,

"I'm... kidding babe. Maybe I should go check on him?"

"Wait, so you can check on him but not me?" Feeling annoyed that Shane had to take over everything.

"Well..." Shane pauses and I knew he was trying to search for something to say that would make sense. Was I that weird that I was to be censored from everyone? Damn. "Well, you have to sit here and wait for Patrick! Remember?" Oh right... the date, I'd almost forgotten about that. Damn you Andrew and his amazing hair for distracting me.

Shane disappears for a bit, leaving me and Ryland alone in the living room and I begin to get distracted again, the Halloween decor was just bad.

"So, these are the decorations you were talking about..." 

"Yeah! Don't they look great?" I can't lie.

"Um."

"Um?" 

"Well, you see... they just aren't that spooky, I could do something with this old Halloween blood I have in my Halloween box at home..."

"Okay, we're not putting blood on my house! Why don't you decorate your house?"

"I already did! I get scared every time I walk through my door!"

"Of course you do." I laugh and take another sip of my coffee. 

Patrick arrives a few minutes later, Shane and Andrew were still nowhere to be found. 

"So... Thank you, Patrick, for doing this!" He stands there shyly, 

"Oh, yeah. Well, I'm glad I could help." 

"So, Patrick you ever deal with blood?" 

"Oh, GOd. SHANE GET IN HERE GARRETT IS FUCKING IT UP ALREADY."

"Hey!!!!" I shoot Ryland a look and check to see how Patrick was taking my already weird outbursts.

He stands there, his hands in his pockets, looking around the place, looking everywhere but at me. 

This was going to be a long day.


	6. I Won't Break His Heart

Andrew

It'd been weeks since the date, and the secret of me liking Garrett was eating me alive. The more I thought about it, the more that I began to realize what a terrible curse it was. How could I possibly have a crush on my best friend? Was I absolutely insane? It's like I wanted to ruin this amazing friendship between the two of us... And for what? What exactly would come of me telling him how I felt? Well for starters, I wouldn't have the butterflies every time he showed up at Shanes for a video idea, or every time we hung out casually. And it's not like I could avoid him ever without feeling an immense amount of guilt. I loved spending time with him, and I knew he had fun too, but things were getting hard. Although things hadn't quite worked out with Patrick and Garrett, there was another man. One that had Garrett eating out of the palm of his hand.

I'd been upset about it at first, but then Shane had assured me that it was for the better, for now at least and to not think about it too much. Which was hard when I had Garrett Watts as my best friend. It seemed that all we talked about was him and his boyfriend, Chris. It'd been hard to accept, and it still sucked majorly every time he brought him up, but what could I do? I wasn't about to tell him how I felt, Shane had been right. It would absolutely destroy the friendship, and now? With Garretts new man, there was just no way.

A text lights up my phone, and I look to see who it could be.

"Hey, Siwicki!!! I was wondering if you'd like to come to get some frozen yogurt with me and Chris? Haven't seen you in a while! Miss ya." - Garrett

I'm torn between going and staying. If I said yes, then I'd have to deal with Garrett and Chris eye fucking all night, and if I said no, then I'd have the guilt of not hanging out with Garrett.

"I can't today, miss you too!" I respond, keeping it short and hopefully cordial. I couldn't afford to have another incident like the one a few months back.

He doesn't text me back, and I'm glad. I lock my phone and decide that sleep is the best option for now, I could figure out something to do with Garrett tomorrow. Everything would be okay. It had to be.

And then I had the dream.

His arms were wrapped tightly around my body, hugging me close. He smelled so good, I couldn't quite pinpoint what it was, but the scent was so comforting. I could feel myself melting away into his comforting embrace.

"I wish you were mine," I whispered, my heart breaking as he let go.

"Why can't I be?" He pulled the two of us apart and brought his hands up to my face, cupping it gently.

"It's not that easy."

"But I want you"

"It's not that easy," I repeat, he sighs and shakes his head, not understanding.

"What does he know?" The longer I stare into his eyes the more I want to kiss him. His lips looked so soft, he runs his tongue over his lips, and I could tell he wanted to kiss me too. He leans in close. "Just." He kisses the side of my cheek gently. I breathe in sharply, sparks shooting up and down my spine. "Kiss." He places another kiss on the other side of my cheek, even softer this time. "Me." He works his way to my neck, leaving little trails of kisses up and down it, but being ever so gentle as to not leave any marks.

"I can't. I'm sorry." I pull away from his embrace, my heart breaking all over again. What was it? The fifth time I'd gone through this scenario? 

I can feel myself holding my breath in my sleep.

"What do you mean? You can't what? You can't kiss me? Or you can't be with me?" For the first time in a long time, he looks vulnerable, insecure.

"Garrett, this is the hardest thing I'll ever have to do."

"Then don't do it, just say you'll be mine and kiss me damn it." 

My heart continues to break. I know this is a dream but it feels as if it's about to turn into a nightmare. I knew that this would never occur in real life, but it felt so real. I couldn't even imagine having to lose Garrett, let alone having to break up with him, but how could I be so upset over losing something I'd never had?

"I can't. I can't risk our friendship. I value this more than life itself." I motion to the two of us standing in the dimly lit kitchen of Garrett's new house.

"I just don't understand." Garrett's soft warm smile begins to fade as the reality of what I've said begins to register with him.

"I'm so sorry."

"No."

"What? What do you mean no?"

"You... You... You can't just spring something like this on me and then take it away from me? How dare you wave it in my face and then take it away."

"Garrett, I'm sorry. I knew I shouldn't have told you, I just couldn't wait any longer."

"Longer?? How long had you been waiting?" I pause before deciding on my answer, I debated lying to him but I knew I couldn't.

I want to wake up. 

Things are getting worse.

I want to wake up right this second.

"Six..."

"Six weeks??"

"Months."

"SIX MONTHS? YOU HID THIS FROM ME FOR SIX MONTHS? ANDREW HOW COULD YOU? HOW SELFISH CAN YOU BE? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY NIGHTS I'VE SPENT PINING OVER YOU? THINKING ALL ALONG THAT I'D NEVER STAND A CHANCE? YOU HAD TO HAVE KNOWN HOW I FELT, OR AT LEAST SHANE KNEW HOW I FELT. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, OH I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW. I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU IM SO MAD." 

Tears begin to form in the inner corners of my eyes, my heart continues breaking. I can't escape this nightmare, as tears begin to his the pillow, I feel my entire body shaking.

"Garrett, I'm sorry... You know I didn't mean for any of this to happen." 

I sob loudly into my pillow.

I wake up, tears streaming down my cheeks, my pillow is soaked and I sit up quickly. I wipe my eyes, my heart aching at the thought of the dream ever coming to life. I didn't know what to do, was that how he'd really take it? I doubted it. I'm sure he'd be fine, he had someone in his life anyways. I shake my head no, I still couldn't tell him but I also couldn't keep living like this. This was the first dream I'd had about it, and I wasn't looking forward to another one. It had to stop, this whole secret keeping, I couldn't take it any longer. Just tell him.

But I couldn't, I'd just have to ignore my feelings until they went away. If they go away. They'd go away, right? Right? They'd have to go away, there's no way they could hang around for too much longer. For the sake of my mental health, I prayed they wouldn't. 

I get out of bed and make my way to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water I drink the whole thing before returning. My heart is still beating insanely fast, flashbacks of the dream upsetting me all over again. I couldn't deal with the thought of losing Garrett as a friend, and it definitely wasn't worth a big fight over, still, I wished I would've told him when I'd had the chance. Of course, now I couldn't, not when he had someone in his life he was actually happy about. No, I couldn't take that away from him. He'd been waiting for so long to have someone.

I try and think of nice calming things as I lay back down and eventually I find myself drifting off to sleep again.

I wake up with another anxiety attack, being unable to breathe I gasp for air. Immediately I know I need Shanes help, I can feel myself starting to freak out all over again so I call him.

"Hello?" He'd just woken up, I could tell by the way he sounded. I check the time about to feel bad if I'd woken him up too early. It was nine, I guess that wasn't too bad, then again he'd probably stayed up late editing or something.

"I need your help." I utter, sitting on the edge of my bed, my hands massaging the side of my head.

The tone in his voice changes drastically, "Are you okay??" I can hear him getting out of bed, stumbling over things on his floor. "Watch out Cheeto, I'm trying to find my shoe." I hear him mutter.

Before I can lie, another anxiety attack begins to crash into me. Images from my dream fill my head, Garrett leaving, Garrett yelling, sad Garrett, sad Andrew.

"I can't... Oh God... I can't do this. I can't." I can hear him walking around his house, bumping into things.

"RYLAND! I'M LEAVING. It's an emergency, I'm going to Andrews!" I know I should stop him, at least try to calm him down before he leaves, but I can't move. My body paralyzed, the hyperventilating getting the best of me, I can't catch my breath at all. My head spins and I collapse on my bed, not emotionally ready for the shit storm about to ensue.

I guess I fell asleep because I wake up to Shane bursting through my bedroom door. Why had I given them keys? I wake up from my nap to Shane's face directly above mine. 

"Well, good morning," I mutter. Shane wacks me on the arm and grasps me tightly.

"ANDREW YOU IDIOT!" He screams in my face, and shakes me, tears in his eyes. I know I deserve this reaction from him.

"Shane!"

"Don't you dare "Shane!" me, you asshole! You scared the shit out of me! I thought you were dying!!! I've never cried so hard." 

"I'm sorry!!! I didn't mean to upset you! I just needed to talk, and then I guess I had an anxiety attack, I didn't sleep well last night, my brain is all sorts of fucked up."

"Wait is this still all about Garrett?"

"Yeah... I had a dream about him last night, well it was more of a nightmare if I'm being honest."

"Did you see his dick? It's big isn't it!!!" Shane teases. 

"Shane!!" I can feel my face burn a bright shade of red. "No... I didn't see it, it wasn't a good dream."

"Oh... I see, well then what kind of dream was it?"

"I don't know really, it started off nice we were hugging an-"

"Hugging?? What are you twelve?" I roll my eyes, but it feels good to have Shane joke around like this. Everything felt so serious all of the time, and it was refreshing to have some of the old banter back. "Sorry, go on."

"We were hugging, and then he was asking me why we weren't together and all I could say was 'It's not that easy, it's not that easy' and really it isn't easy. Shane, this is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do in my entire life. These feelings are slowly eating me alive, I can't think about anything else, I can't eat, drink, sleep, breathe without Garrett in the back of my mind. I thought that things might get easier once he started dating someone."

"Wait, how the fuck would things get easier once he started dating Chris?? That makes zero sense to me."

"Well, if he had someone of his own, someone that wasn't me then at least he'd be spending more of his time with him... Chris. And it was working, until last night when he invited me to get frozen yogurt with him and Chris. Obviously, I told him I couldn't go"

"Wait, last night? Garrett invited you to get frozen yogurt last night?"

"Yeah."

"With Chris?"

"Yeah, look," I show him the message, "See?" Shane falls silent for a bit, he picks up his phone and begins typing before he looks back up at me.

"That's really weird because Chris has been out of town for days, he won't be back until next week." 

"Wait, what?" I shake my head, confused. "Are you sure? Why would Garrett invite me to come to hang out with him and Chris?"

"Maybe he wanted to spend time with you?" 

"He could've just asked me, he didn't need to include Chris then?"

"Maybe he thought that you wouldn't come unless Chris was there?"

"Okay, that makes no sense."

"Doesn't it?"

"No? What do you mean? Why would I want to hang out with Chris anyways?" 

"Well lately you've been acting kind of standoffish to Garrett, everyone can tell." I shake my head again.

"I have? I haven't been meaning to... It's just hard to be around him lately, I thought I was hiding it well." I scratch my chin, still confused.

"All I'm saying is that it's noticeable. Look, he misses you."

"I just saw him the other da-"

"Not the new you, the old you. We all do."

"What do you mean?" Shane sighs, setting his hand on my leg, he's about to say some serious heartfelt sad shit, I can feel it in my bones.

"I mean, we miss the old Andrew, the Andrew that stayed over till three in the morning editing with us and drinking way too much Starbucks, the Andrew that post mated secret Chipotle because he didn't want what the rest of us got, so instead of telling us that he didn't want Cheesecake Factory he sat there with his water and waited patiently until we all ate and left. The Andrew who found everything Garrett said and did to be funny, the Andrew that grinned for no reason, the one who always made sure we had our phones and shit, the Andrew who always made sure that everyone was okay. You've changed, and I know that you can't help it, but it sucks to see you hurti-"

"Yeah, I've changed, of course, I've fucking changed. Do you know how hard this shit is? Every day I wake up and think about the most beautiful, caring, loving, compassionate, goofy boy, my best fucking friend okay? You don't think I want to be old Andrew again? I'd do anything to go back to being old Andrew, trust me..." I'm shaking at this point, and I can tell Shane is getting upset. "I have to watch my best friend, the love of my life live his life with the love of his life. So, sorry if that's an inconvenience to you, so fucking sorry." I storm out of the room, slamming my fists against the first wall I see. Shane follows me to the living room, attempting to calm me down. "What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't win. If I tell him I like him, he gets excited and eager to rush into something I know I'm not ready for, I shut him down and break his heart, or I can keep my mouth shut and suffer alone." 

I don't even realize the tears streaming down my face, my heart is beating so fast I think I'll die, I stare helplessly at Shane. 

"And we all know I won't break his heart."


	7. Do You Miss Andrew?

Garrett

"He's just been so distant lately, it fucking sucks." I pout, crossing my arms dramatically. I sit in my newly cleaned living room, Chris sitting beside me. It'd been a few weeks since I'd sent an invite to Andrew asking him to hang out, and of course he'd declined (yet again). SO annoying.

"Babe, maybe he just needs some space. He and Shane have been working so hard on the new documentary, cut him some slack." I sigh, knowing he's completely correct.

"You're right, I should ease up a little." I smile at Chris, how had I gotten so lucky? He smiles back, squeezing my hand gently.

"What do you want to do today?"

"I need to film a new video for my channel... I was thinking about doing a Q and A? Would you want to do it with me? I could also do like a boyfriend tag thing if that's something you'd be interested in."

"Of course, I think it'd be fun!" I smile, enthusiastically.

"Oh good! This will be fun! And we can get snacks and make it a whole day activity!!" I feel myself beginning to get excited. Chris chuckles slightly to himself. It was a bittersweet moment, typically it'd be Andrew doing the laughing at this moment. I shouldn't be thinking about Andrew being in Chris' place. I internally scold myself.

"Are you okay, babe?" I snap out of it, the touch of Chris startling me.

"Huh? Oh! Yeah! Sorry, I was just... just uh thinking about all the snacks."

"I see," He grins widely, "Well I for one am excited to spend all of today with you in your natural habitat. I feel like we haven't been able to hang out as much lately, and I know it's my fault. Work is just kicking my ass." I place a kiss on his forehead and bring him closer to me.

"It's okay babe, I know you wish you could be here with me all the time, I'm just glad you're here now. I missed you!" He smiles again and kisses me softly on the cheek.

"Of course, I missed you more Gar." I freeze. Gar. Only Andrew called me that. Man, I missed him so much.

"Still thinking about snacks, my love?"

"Huh?" I snap out of whatever trance I'd been in, one that'd mainly had my mind stuck on Andrew. "Oh, yeah... Hey! Would you go get some snacks? I'll set up here and by the time you get back we can start filming?" He nods, again still smiling.

"Of course, anything in particular you want?" Andrew would know what I want.

"Uh, no... Just whatever!" I lie, at this point even saying what I wanted seemed pointless if all it would do was remind me of Andrew.

"Okay!! I'll be back soon!" I nod as he kisses me on the forehead, getting up to leave. I watch as he grabs his things, looking back at me, a smile still stuck on his face.

"Okay!" He leaves, and a wave of guilt instantly rushes through my body. I feel like crying, this wasn't right. I couldn't be thinking of Andrew, I couldn't be imagining Andrew in Chris' position, it was wrong. It was so wrong, and I knew it.

I started setting up my camera and lights in the living room across from the couch, I took to Twitter to set the alert that I was filming a Q&A, and left it at that. I guess it didn't take as long as I'd anticipated, and sending Chris to the store alone had been somewhat of a subconscious decision to get him out of the house for a bit. I needed time to decompress, I reach for the bottle of whiskey on the counter from the kitchen. I know I shouldn't but I ignore the voice in my head telling me not to and pour a bit into a glass. The liquid burns down my throat, leaving my body feeling warm and tingly. I pour another glass before putting it up, I knew when to stop, and two felt good for now. I could feel the stress melt away for the time being and felt better instantly.

The door opens and there stands my boyfriend.

"You're back!" I greet him with a kiss, then take the bags from his hand. "Everything is set up, and we're all good to go!"

He reels back a bit, "Have you been drinking?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, just a little bit."

"Why?"

"Oh, you know..." I pause, racking my brain for something to say, "anxiety."

"So you always cure your anxiety with whiskey?" I shrug, not giving too much thought to what he's said. "Why are you anxious babe?"

"I don't know, I guess it's because I haven't filmed in a while, and I just really want this video to be good."

"It's going to be great! Look, I brought snacks for you."

"Aw, thanks, babe." I smile as he places a kiss on my forehead.

"So, should we get started then?"

"What? Oh! Yeah. Let me check my twitter feed!" I take to my phone and glance at the tweets that had been pouring in. I read over a few and pick out the ones I felt comfortable reading on camera. Most were questions about what my next videos would be about, a few about Shane and Ryland, and some of the house. There was one question in particular that stood out to me, it felt as though someone kicked me right in the stomach as I read it.

Are you and Andrew not friends anymore?

And then I saw another one

Why don't you and Andrew ever hang out? Are you guy's fighting?

Is Andrew dating that girl from the video?

Do you miss Andrew?

"Whoa, it seems that most of these questions have Andrew's name in them..." Chris looks over at me, his phone in his hand.

"Well, yeah, we are best friends. We don't have to answer any of those questions though, not if it makes you uncomfortable."

"Why would I be uncomfortable? You guys are friends."

"Well yeah... But you mentioned that he was mentioned in a lot of the questions, babe." I make direct eye contact with him as if to reassure him.

"Yeah, I guess I did."

"Yeah, you did."

"Okay."

"Let's get started then?" I ask.

"Sure." I kiss him on the cheek and pray that that was the end of the Andrew talk we'd have that night.

We'd been filming for the past few hours, and I just couldn't get into it. All I could think about were those questions, and wanting to answer them. But, how could I answer them when I myself didn't really know what was going on either. Chris tried his best to stay enthusiastic throughout the video, but I knew he could tell I was in my head again. I felt bad, I'd wanted to spend the day with my boyfriend, filming, in hopes of it being a fun activity for us to do together.

"So the next questio-"

"Actually can I pick one?" Chris looks up from his phone over at me, a small smile on his lips.

"Of course, go for it."

"Okay, garebearforever wants to know, 'Have you ever had feelings for Andrew Siwicki? I know it's been said that he's straight, but I see the way you two act on camera, and it seems that there is something there on both ends. Big fan!'" My heart stops beating, my palms begin to sweat, and I stare at Chris.

"Uh... Uh, well, no. No, I've never had feelings for Andrew Siwicki, he's a good pal of mine. We're just really good friends, that's.. that's probably the chemistry you're seeing."

"Well now you guys know the truth, Garrett Watts does not have feelings for Andrew Siwicki, so everyone can just stop asking."

"Uh... Y-Yeah... Next question?" Chris squeezes my thigh and smiles wide, he leans in to kiss me on the cheek and I can feel myself flinch almost, but I don't. I grit my teeth and smile as he kisses me.

It was about eight when we finally decided we'd had enough of answering questions. I'd wanted to stop right after the question about Andrew, but Chris had seemed to want to keep going, so we did. I stand up from my spot on the couch, stretching my legs. I decide I need another drink and walk to the kitchen area. I pour another glass of whiskey, this time doubling the amount.

"Anxious again?" Chris comes up behind me, pressing his body into mine.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah." I drink the liquid quickly and begin to pour another one.

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

"Who are you? My mother?" I snap. He backs off immediately.

"Whoa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend..." I shake my head, instantly regretting what I'd said.

"No, no, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that you're just looking out for me."

"It's fine... I think I'll head out now, I'll see you tomorrow?" Now I feel like a dick. I shake my head.

"Please stay, I didn't mean to make you upset."

"You just seem to want to be alone right now, Gar I don't want to step on your toes here. It's clear that you have your mind on something else right now." I shake my head quickly and take his hand.

"No, no! Please, I want you to stay. Please stay." I place a kiss on his lips, hoping that was enough to win him over. He looks skeptical at first, but after another kiss, he smiles finally.

"Okay, but I do have to leave in an hour or so..."

"Wait, what? Why? I thought you were going to stay the night here?" I don't want to be alone tonight, who knows what would happen.

"Well I was, but then work called me and I'll be on the first flight to Boston tomorrow."

"Then stay here tonight and fly out tomorrow." I kiss the side of his neck, another attempt to get him to stay.

"I can't, I have to pack my things." He breathes in deeply as I continue kissing his neck, getting sloppier with every kiss.

"No. You can just buy new things in Boston. Please? I don't want to be alone tonight..."

"Garrett... I.." He leans his head back, exhaling deeply. "I can't... I have to go home and feed my dog." I stop kissing him, I can tell now that he doesn't want to stay.

"Fine."

"Don't be mad."

"I'm not mad." I smile, "See, that's me. Not being mad. No anger here." I pour myself yet another glass and down it quickly.

"Garrett..."

"Hmm?" I barely look at him, it was so immature, every time I was mad I'd be as short as I could with whomever I was mad at. I'd done it with Andrew that night he'd told me he wouldn't be able to come over, oh, I'd been so mad. There I go again, thinking about Andrew, I really needed to stop doing that, it was beginning to cause some real issues in my personal life. I begin to pour another glass when Chris snaps.

"Nevermind. I should really go now." At this point, I don't even care what he does.

"Okay."

"Cool."

"What?"

"You know what I think?"

"Hmm?"

"I think that you like Andrew, I think that you like him a lot, I think you're using me to make him jealous."

"Whoa, wait what the fuck?" The fact that Chris would even go there made me so angry.

"Oh, don't act all surprised... I can tell you like him."

"Chris, you're crazy. No, I don't. I'm with you, aren't I?"

"Yeah, to make him jealous!"

"Chris!, He's straight! Even if he wasn't I still wouldn't like him." Okay, this was a lie, but what else was I supposed to do? My boyfriend was accusing me of liking another guy, I wasn't about to tell him he was right. There was no point, he was straight, and seemed to hate me for the time being.

"You know what? Whatever, I'm going home."

"Chris!" He grabs his coat, nudging past me, "You can't just leave after that? I don't like him, I'm with you!" He rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, okay, sure you are."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, I'll call you when I land in Boston tomorrow." I bite my tongue to keep from lashing out. I watch as he leaves my house, pulling out quickly onto the street. What the hell just happened?

I feel like crying again. How did things turn to shit so quickly? And I wasn't just talking about tonight, it seemed this whole month had been a mess. I missed Andrew so much, more than I thought physically possible. I'd spent countless nights up late thinking about what I could've done to upset him. Anything that would explain his behavior. I wanted to call him so badly, I knew he wouldn't answer. I decide against it and grab the half empty bottle of whiskey I'd been nursing for the night. I know I shouldn't, but tonight was just too much, and I knew that in order for me to sleep, I'd have to drink a couple more. My mind was going crazy, trying to think of solutions to the many problems piling up. I skip the glass this time and drink straight from the bottle. I settle on the couch for the night, turning on the tv I decided to watch old reruns of The Office, knowing this is exactly what Andrew was doing comforted me somehow. I missed him, a lot.

At around twelve I'm finally able to drift off to sleep, my mind too clouded with alcohol to even think straight. Well, no, there was one thought, and it'd been a reoccurring one at that.

Would Andrew and I ever be the same again?


	8. I'm Going Home

Andrew

Weeks had gone by since Garrett's video had gone up and ripped my heart out. That had hurt more than I thought it would. I'm sitting in Shanes living room late at night, I refused to let myself hurt alone these days in fear of what it'd do to me long term. A part of me wanted to slap myself and tell myself to get over it. To get over Garrett, to stop feeling sad over what I didn't even understand. I was growing sick and tired of this feeling of impending doom looming over me and I knew it wasn't healthy to keep living this way, something would have to change. Something would have to give.

"I think... I think I have to go." Shane looks up from his computer.

"Go where? Home?"

"No, but yes." Shane shoots me a look.

"Andrew... You're scaring me. Where are you going?"

"Home."

"Home, home? As in Illinois home?"

"Yeah."

"What? For how long?"

"A couple months maybe? I don't know. I guess however long it takes for me to figure this shit out."

"That's so long Andrew..."

"I can't..." I stop talking, I can feel the lump forming in the back of my throat. "I can't be here anymore. I have to... I have to... I have to go. If I have any chance at surviving this, I have to go."

"You're sure?"

"It's the only solution that I can think of at this point."

"You're coming back though... Right?"

"Yeah, I mean eventually." I nod, of course, I would be back.

For the first time in months, I begin to feel a sense of relief, like everything was about to come together just right.

"You know... You know Garrett is not going to like this... Right?" I shake my head.

"I can't think about that, I've been worrying about him for too long. I have to... I have to focus on myself for at least a little bit."

"He's not going to understand, what are you going to say to him?" I shrug.

"He doesn't have to understand, if he's my friend he'll accept it." I take a deep breath, something in me felt strong. "Shane I... I think this is really what I have to do. For the first time in what seems like forever, I feel like... I don't even know like a weight has been lifted off of me like I can breathe again." And I know, this is what I have to do.

"When? When are you going?"

"Now."

"Wait, what? Now?"

"I mean if that's okay... We're done with the series, and I can edit at my house."

"Of course. Anything you need, you know we're here for you."

"So wait you said you're leaving now?? So no time for a going away party?"

"Ryland!!!"

"What? I wanted cake... Can we still get cake?" Shane rolls his eyes,

"Of course." He mutters, pecking Ryland on the cheek.

I laugh, hard for the first time in what seemed like a century. I stand up and realize I'm shaking, I straighten my jacket, Shane stands as well, setting his computer aside, he clasps his hands over his mouth.

"Oh my God, I'm going to cry... This is really happening?" I nod.

"It is." Shane holds his arms out, and I hug him tightly. "It's going to be okay," I swallow the lump growing "I'm going to be okay, I'll see you soon and we can make another documentary, maybe this one will be about me this time." Shane smacks me on the shoulder.

"This is no time for jokes Andrew."

"I had to." He smiles, and a tear rolls down his cheek. I reach to wipe it from his face, "Don't cry. Please. This will be good. I'll see you soon."

I say my goodbyes to Morgan and Ryland, both seeming sad as well, but I couldn't let that stop me. I put my jacket on and grab my keys, anxiety suddenly taking over as I realize that the next stop was Garrett's.

As soon as I reached his door I knew this would be harder than I'd anticipated. I take a deep breath and knock. It only takes him seconds to answer it, he looks a mess (but obviously still so good at the same time??? How did he do that??)

"Andrew? Uh... hi. Come in?"

"Thank you, I uh... Sorry I didn't call... or anything... I just had to see you."

"Is everything okay??"

"No, yeah... yeah everything's fine. I just uh... Can we talk?"

"Uh yeah, of course."

We settle on the couch, both of us seemingly uncomfortable. I hated that, we'd spent so many nights on this couch laughing and talking about stupid things, now here we were, basically strangers.

"So what's up? Oh wait, do you want anything to drink? Water? Juice? Alcohol?" I laugh softly and see him smile just a bit.

"No, I'm okay. I can't stay long."

"Oh? Okay... so what's up?"

"Ugh... okay." I stop before continuing, trying to organize my thoughts as best as possible, "so you know... I've been I don't know, I guess avoiding people lately."

"Me. Andrew, you've been avoiding me. Let's face it." I don't even argue with him, he's right. I had been avoiding him, 100% I shake my head and then nod.

"Well... yeah, okay. I guess you're right." I swallow nervously, "I don't know... I think I've just been so lost lately. I can't seem to find myself here these past few weeks, and it's been taking a toll on me, emotionally and mentally... and I think... Well, I think I need to leave." I hold my breath until he reacts.

"Uh... what? Leave to where? Leave as in here? As in go to your house, sleep, and then come back and explain what the hell you just said?"

"Leave as in like leave California."

"Hmm, now I need a drink." His lips form a small tight line and I know he's not happy.

"I just, I've lost myself completely Gar, and I need to find myself again, and I don't think... I don't think that I can do that here."

"Why's that?" He crosses his arms, his facial expression unwavering.

"I just... I just don't think I can." He rolls his eyes.

"Because I'm here?" He raises his voice a bit, causing me to shrink back. He never yelled at me, we didn't yell.

"No!!" I can feel myself begin to panic.

Yes.

"Really? Because it seems I'm the problem here, you have no problem hanging out with Shane lately. I see your location on the find my friends app." He looked at that too??

"Garrett, my leaving is not because of you. I swear."I feel bad lying, but at this point what else could I do?

"Then why are you leaving?"

"I... I just have to go."

He doesn't say anything so we sit in silence for a good twenty minutes.

"I'm going home."

"No." He argues.

"I am."

"Why?"

"I just have to,"

"Andrew."

"I gotta go, Garrett,"

"Just TELL me what's wrong."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can! What do you think is going to happen? That somehow what you say will end our friendship?"

"YES." Now I'm yelling, I'm yelling and I'm shaking. "I MEAN LOOK AT US, WE'RE ARGUING RIGHT NOW."

He's silent for awhile and I can tell he's trying to gather the courage to say what he's about to say.

"I think it's god damn selfish." He growls.

The anger inside of me grows and I don't think I can stop myself from lashing out.   
"No, you know what's selfish? You're the fucking selfish one! You...Y-You think this decision was fucking easy for me? You think that I wanted all of this to happen? God, Garrett, how ignorant can you be??? I kept myself from you for weeks just to make sure that our friendship would make it out alive. You know damn well that I would NEVER intentionally do anything to hurt you or jeopardize our friendship. What's selfish is you wanting me for your fucking personal needs. How the fuck are you mad at me for making a decision in hopes of fixing myself??? Just because it isn't an ideal situation doesn't make it wrong!" I really just did that. I'm shaking so bad at this point, I start to feel myself hyperventilate.   
"So don't..." my throat croaks quietly "don't you fucking dare call me selfish"

He doesn't speak, he knows I'm right and the feeling of relief starts to creep back in. I wait a while before even attempting to speak again, the anger still quite ripe in my chest. I take a few deep breaths before speaking, my voice becoming soft and shaky,

"Garrett... do you trust me?" I try to look him in the eyes, but he wont allow it. I bite my tongue, trying to hold back the anger rising up inside me again.

"..."

"Garrett,"

"Yeah,"

"Do you trust me?"

He waits a while before answering,

"Garrett."

"Yes, I trust you."

"Then let me go." My voice cracks, leaving me more vulnerable than I'd intended to ever be seen. The look he gave me broke my heart, and I can't help but start to cry.

"Andrew..." I can see tears starting to form in the inner corners of his eyes, and I know he's about to start as well.

"Garrett, please." I struggle to fight tears welling up in my eyes. This is my nightmare, me pushing him away,

"Why." His voice comes out soft, and broken. "Why is this happening?" Again, my heart breaks.

"I can't explain."

"Well try."

"Garrett, I can't."

"You can... You have to."

"I really can't."

"...."

"I have to go."

"...."

"Garrett."

"Just go."

"I'm sorry."

"...."

"I'm doing this for you..." I know I'm contradicting what I'd said earlier, but I couldn't lie again.

He glares at me, lashing out he hisses, "Don't... don't fucking say that. Nothing about this is for me."

"Y-You don't understand."

"You're right. I don't fucking understand, so enlighten me."

"I can't."

"Bullshit!"

"Garrett, please!"I try to grab on to his arm, but he swats my hand away.

He gets up from his place on the couch, arms still crossed, "Aren't you leaving or something? Have a plane to catch?"

I glance at my watch, shit I was running late, "Yeah actually, I'm leaving after this."

His eyes grow dark again and he snaps, "Fuck you." I wince at the harshness in his voice, feeling like I'd just been slapped across the face.

"Garrett please..." I plead, tears falling down my cheeks. This hurts worse than I ever thought it ever could.

"...."

"Please don't hate me for this."

"...."

"Like I could ever." He scoffs, rolling his eyes, all while avoiding eye contact.

"I'm sorry." I turn to leave. I have to, I can't stay there any longer, the burning feeling in my chest only worsening. I get up from my spot on the couch, I stare at him a little longer, hoping for signs of his defeat. Hoping that he'd stop being mad, and just hug me. Nothing. So I turn to leave, pulling my phone from my sweat pant pocket. My ride was here. I make it halfway to the door before he speaks,

"Wait..."His voice comes out thick and deep.

I stop and turn around.

He stands there defeated, hands by his sides, tears rolling down his beautiful face, his lip quivering uncontrollably, and shoulders rising up and down. I'd only seen him cry one other time, and I'd hoped I'd never see it again. I walk over to him slowly, not wanting to scare him off.

"It's gonna..." Tears stream down my cheeks, the thought of leaving him finally hitting me hard. I struggle to breathe. "It's gonna be okay buddy," I manage to choke out. And finally he makes eye contact with me, I nod my head, an attempt to reassure him, that it was going to be okay.

"I'm gonna miss you." He holds out his arms and I fall into his embrace. He hugs me tighter than I've ever been hugged in my entire life. I never wanted to leave this place, but I can feel myself begin to spiral so I force myself to let go.

"I'll see ya."

He doesn't speak, so I leave it at that, walking to the car I've called for me. I get in, and put my seat belt on, looking out the window to see him one last time, but his door is closed already. I lean my head back in the seat and let myself cry.

The car ride to the airport is long and uneventful. I'd managed to stop crying before we arrived, thank God. I get out of the car with nothing but my laptop, charger, phone and wallet.

This is really happening, I'm really leaving. I enter the airport and head to the ticket counter immediately.

"Uh, yeah.. one ticket for Chicago, please."

"Round trip or one way?"

I pause before answering, "One way."

"Okay, I just need your payment method and ID, and we'll be all set. Looks like we have a flight leaving in about an hour. You showed up at just the right time."

"I hope so." I hand her what she needs and wait patiently. She types in her computer before handing me a ticket.

It's really happening.

"Have a great flight, sir!"

"Thanks! I'll try."

I make my way through TSA and head to my gate, I sit down while I wait for my group number to be called. I pull my phone from my pocket, I had a few messages from Shane and a missed call from Garrett. I hold my phone to my ear, nervous to what I was about to listen to,

"Hey. It's.. it's Garrett, but uh you know that...look I know... I know you're probably on your way home. I just... I just wanted to apologize for everything I said. I was hurt and I didn't understand, but I now realize that I don't have to understand, it's your life. How you choose to live it is completely up to you. I don't want this fight to be the end of us and our friendship, even though I'm pretty sure you'll never come back after how I've acted tonight. So, I guess I just wanted to make sure you know how much you mean to me. Thank you for everything. For accepting me and my odd ways, it seems you're the only one who's ever fully done that and allowed me to be who I am and make me feel good about it. I'm a better person when I'm around you, and I'm not trying to make this weird at all. I think maybe me being gay might have set the notion that like... I'm in love with you or whatever, and I didn't want that to be what was driving you away. If it is... well... I'm sorry. I'm sorry our friendship ended this way, if it is over. I really hope that is not the case, I'll miss you buddy. I hope you come back soon, and if you don't, at least know that I will miss you." He pauses, I'm sobbing quietly at this point. I press the phone firmly to my ear as he keeps talking, my hand pressed against my lip, an attempt to stop it from quivering so much, "I want you to know that there will never be another guy like you. I'll never know someone as caring, compassionate, friendly, as dorky as you. I hope you come back, I really do. My life is significantly better with you in it. Please..." he stops talking again, and I know that he's crying. I wipe my own eyes with my sleeve, hoping no one was watching. He starts talking again, "Just make it back to us, please? Make it back to me." I begin to lose it all over again, my sobs coming out larger and louder. I don't care if anyone is staring anymore, my heart hurts and all I want to do is see him again. "I love you, Andrew." I want to scream out, I love you too, Garrett. But obviously I can't, I wipe my eyes again and lock my phone, placing it on airplane mode just before.

"Group 5 now boarding, group 5." I stand up from my seat and wipe my face again. I hand the lady my pass and make my way onto the plane.

"Have a wonderful flight!"

"Thank you."

"Come back to see us soon!" She chirps, I nod.

I'd be back, I knew I'd be back.


	9. Mother Knows Best

Andrew

"Mom... I think I'm b-"

"Gay?" Oh, honey, we figured. I gasp, taken aback.

"Wait, what? No! I'm not gay, I'm bi. Bisexual, I uh like girls and boys."

"Damn it."

"Uh? What's wrong? Do you not... Do you not approve?"

"Oh, Andrew, sweetie, oh God no!! We love you no matter what, I just owe your father fifty dollars now." And now I'm totally confused, had my parents been betting on my sexuality? Should I be angry? No, probably not, I should just be glad that they approve. I feel the anxiety slip away as my mom sweeps me up into her tiny arms, squeezing me tightly.

"Oh... Okay."

"Are you sure you're bisexual? You and Garrett aren't a couple yet?" I feel myself blush intensely.

"I uh... Mom, I'm still bisexual. Garrett and I are just friends." For now.

"Oh honey, no, I don't think so."

"What do you mean you don't think so?"

"I just mean, well... I can tell you both love each other."

"Mom. How could you possibly know that?"

"Well, the videos of course."

"What videos?"

"Shanes videos, oh and of course Garretts. Oh, sweetie, it's so cute that you think we can't tell. Baby, we can definitely tell. Now, when are you going to tell me why you're here? And don't get me wrong, we love having you here with us. But I know there's something else going on."

"Um." I try to process what she's just said. Was it that obvious? Did everyone know? Did the fans? I guess maybe? "Okay. I'll tell you."

And I decide to do just that.

"Can I get another?" I signal the bartender, standing a few stools down on the opposite side of the bar. He nods, smiling pleasantly. 

"You've been here every single night this week, you new to town?"

"No, no... I used to live here actually, I went to Northern Illinois University actually."

"No way? I went there! Look how far it got me..." The Bartender laughs, and I join him because literally same.

"No, me too man." I raise my glass, tilting it towards him and smile. I down it and set it down in front of me.

"Another?"

"I shouldn't. I got pretty drunk last night."

"It's on the house, for laughing at my joke."

"Well, in that case," I nudge my glass forward, and he smiles as he begins to pour. "I'm sorry, your name is?"

"Alex."

"I'm Andrew." I reach to shake his hand, he shakes it and smiles back.

"So, Andrew, how long have you lived here? I've never seen around." I bite my lip, not wanting to tell him I actually lived California. I hesitate at first but proceed eventually.

"I actually live in California."

"Oh, I see." His eyes flicker a bit, and I could've sworn he was disappointed to hear this.

"Yeah, I'm just here to see family and get away from LA life, ya know."

"Oh okay, that's too bad I had a feeling we'd get along really well."

Maybe it was the alcohol talking, no it definitely was the alcohol talking at this point, but I find myself speaking before I can think about what I'm actually saying, "Well who says we can't get along well now?" Alex arches his brow a bit.

Yup, definitely the alcohol talking. What the hell was I doing?

"Well I get off at twelve, If you wanted to have a drink?"

"Uh... Yeah. Sure. D-drink. Yup. A drink sounds good."

"Cool." He grins at me, and walks to the opposite side of the bar, tending to the other customers. Oh God, what the fuck did I just do? I'd only been out for a few hours and here I was flirting with bartenders, and oh god, what did I do?

I call Shane, he'd know what to say.

"Hello? Andrew?"

"SHane!"

"Whoa, okay, no yelling."

"What? It's barely eight o clock in California."

"I know, but me and Ryland have been going to bed early these days. We're practically eighty."

I giggle, "I miss you guys!" I say enthusiastically.

"Oh, we miss you too buddy. So, how's Illinois?"

"It's good."

"That's it? It's just good?"

"I mean, yeah. It's been nice just being Andrew here, not having to worry about fans, or Garrett, or anything really."

"Ouch..."

"What do you mean ouch?"

"Well, it's just... I thought you went there to fix yourself, and then come back but it seems to me that you're not thinking about coming back." I shake my head quickly.

"No, no! Of course, I'm coming back, I just said it was nice you know, to just be Andrew. Not Shane Dawson's cameraman, or Garrett Watts best friend, or Gabbie Hanna's friend. Just Andrew. Andrew Siwicki."

"I see... So did you need something? Or did you just call because you missed me? Have you talked to Garrett lately?" I bite my lip, no. I hadn't.

"I did need something, but I can't seem to remember what exactly... Oh! Yes. Yes, so okay, I'm at this bar right, and this bartender... OH! Oh my god??? I didn't even tell you the biggest news? I came out to my mom today."

"Wait, WHAT? Andrew!!! Why didn't you start with that??"

"Well, I kinda forgot!"

"Well??? How'd she take it?"

"She said she knew, she said her and my dad had placed bets on what I was going to be, gay or bisexual, and mom lost. Fifty bucks!!"

"Wait, what? Your parents bet on your sexuality?"

"Yeah, I thought it was weird too, but I mean what can you do?"

"Yeah, it is weird. SO, she took it well then, so when are you going to tell Garrett?"

"Well, that's the thing... I haven't talked to him yet."

"Andrew!! It's been weeks since you left! How could you not talk to him? Don't you miss him?" I nod, forgetting I was on the phone.

"Of course... Of course, I miss him." I feel my voice get soft and quiet, my mood slowly coming down a little. Because I did, I really missed him. I wished it was him behind the bar making me drinks and flirting shamelessly.

"SO? Why haven't you called him?"

"Well, well because he has someone, so what's the point?"

"You don't know? Well, obviously you don't know..."

"Don't know what?"

"Chris broke up with Garrett."

"WHAT? WHEN? SHANE WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?" I drunkenly shout into the phone, many people turn to stare at me. My face turns bright red, "sorry!" I whisper, and they go back to their respective nights.

"Yeah, he broke up with him a couple days after you left. Honestly, I think it was because Garrett was moping over you being gone, but that's none of my business." I feel myself begin to grin a little because Garrett missing me that much made me happy.

"Is he okay??" I felt awful now, I should text him.

"I mean, he wasn't, but I was there for him, and I think he's slowly getting better." Shane pauses before speaking again, "He misses you a lot, Andrew."

"I miss him."

"Then call him. Come home, make up with him, and then make out with him. You two are literally perfect for each other, and I'm tired of you denying it."

"There's nothing I want more."

"Then what's stopping you? Come home, look I'll book you a flight and you can be here by tomorrow morning."

"Shane, I can't."

"Why not? You came out, you've acknowledged your sexuality, now come home and be with the man you love!"

"It's not that simple, what if he hates me? What if I come back and he's over me completely, what if he decides he wants someone else? What then?"

"Andrew, you seriously cannot actually think that's what would happen."

"I mean, I dunno."

"If you were here I'd slap you so hard."

"Hey!"

"Well?? You're acting so stupid right now. You're making excuses." I know.

"I'm just scared."

"Of what? Garrett?? The fans reaction? I can tell you first hand that Garrett would be nothing but happy. I mean, he gets his best friend back and sex?? OH SHIT. ANdrew! Are you scared of dick?? Is that why you moved home?? To get practice dick before you came back??? You nasty littl-"

"Oh my God! Shane, shut up! NO! That is so not why I moved back!"

"Sure it's not... Look, Garrett will be so gentle, you'll practically have to force him to fuck you good."

"SHANE QUIT."

"Okay! Okay, calm down! Aren't people staring at you?" I look around, yup. I mouth the words "I'm sorry", they go back to their talks.

"Yes... Stop getting me in trouble!"

"Whatever! I have no control over your loud mouth, but Garrett sure could. COme home! Make Garrett happy again, he needs you to come home, as much as he refuses to admit."

"I just... I feel like I'm going to hurt him I feel like I'm going to come home bisexual and that I'm going to rush into a relationship that I know I'm NOT ready for, and I don't want to do that. I just want to fast forward to us being together, and me being comfortable with it all. I want to be able to hold his hand in public and kiss him whenever I want, I want to be able to go on double dates with our friends, and possibly even live together. I want to be a normal couple, a forever couple even. He's honestly the perfect guy, I don't want to fuck anything up. I think that's why I had such a hard time with this whole thing, I never had an issue with me being gay or bi really. I think it was more of an "oh shit, I have feelings for this amazing guy, but I don't think I can actually physically reciprocate them yet, get me out of here." type of situation. I just... fuck Shane, he means so much to me, more than he'll ever know. It killed me to have to lie to him almost every day, I needed to escape, so that's when I decided to come home. I just needed a break I guess."

"Well, when is that break going to be over? Because for one, you have friends and people that need you here, and secondly, you will never get used to you and Garrett being together if you don't come home. Obviously, you two will have to take it slow and Garrett is a big boy... if you know what I mean"

"SHANE!"

"I'm kidding!! Okay, not really, but, shhh okay Ryland's still asleep, we're good. Anyways! Like I was saying, Garrett will understand if you don't want to take things so fast, it'll be hard of course..."

"DOn't even say anything," I can hear Shane snicker to himself, and I'm about ready to hang up.

"OKay, okay, I really am done... What was I saying?"

"I don't know, something about it being hard."

"Oh yes! Garrett will be very hard-"

"Shane..."

"Sorry! Okay, no, but seriously. Come home, we need you back here. I know you don't need us, be we definitely need you. And I'm not just saying that because I have a new idea for a video, we actually need you. Like I actually miss the squad hanging out, doing dumb shit and going to Target for cheap wine, and Cheetos."

"Maybe..."

"I will literally buy your ticket right now."

"Let me think about it?"

"Really?? I'll start looking at flights now! See you in a few days!!"

"Uh huh... Good night, Shane."

"Night!!" I hang up the phone, just in time for Alex to slide on to the barstool next to me.

"SO, you're leaving tomorrow? Sorry, I overheard that last bit of conversation. Which is why I also know we won't be getting along tonight, will we?" I bite my lip, feeling kinda bad. I shake my head, knowing that I couldn't possibly do anything with him now. Not after the conversation, I'd had with Shane.

"I'm sorry... It's kind of a complicated situation."

"It's all good, I understand. If you're ever in town though," He slips me a cocktail napkin with his phone number on it, "give me a call." And with that, he gets up and leaves. I breathe out a sigh of relief, I shove the napkin in my pocket and stand up from my seat, a bit wobbly but it'd do the trick. I dial for an uber and decide to wait outside of the bar for it to arrive.

Only a few minutes go by before my uber arrives, I scoot on in and let the driver do his thing, almost falling asleep in the backseat.

The car stopping wakes up from my gentle nap. I pay and get out, making sure to grab my coat as I leave.

"Th-Thank you!" I slur, whoa... I didn't even think I was that drunk? I guess it'd all started to hit me now. I stumble up the steps and make my way inside, fumbling down the hall and into my old bedroom, I fall on the bed and instantly pass out.

I decide that Shane is right, it's time for me to come home, time for me to face the music. I'd been feeling a lot better lately, and I figured now was a good time to leave, and return to my real home, the one with Shane, and more importantly, Garrett.

I missed him.

What I found when I arrived back home had been, to say the least, devastating. I'd flown home that next morning, in hopes of surprising Garrett at his house, instead, I'd be the one to get a surprise. I walked up to his door ready to express my feelings and explain myself. I was nervous as hell but I knew that this was something that could not be avoided any longer. He needed to know how I felt and why I'd been acting so strange over the past few months. I knocked on his door expecting him to answer rather quickly. However, this time it took a little longer, I waited for what seemed like an hour, (it'd only been five minutes, but whatever). I can hear him moving around his tiny house, I begin to feel even more nervous than I had anticipated. At the same time so ready to see him, it'd been too long. Finally, he reaches the door and opens it.

"Oh, shit." He stares at me, his mouth slightly open.

"Uh, hello to you too Garrett?" He looked beautiful, and I wanted to kiss him right then and there.

"Y-you... you're back?" I nod, smiling. Damn, it was so good to see him.

"I am."

"Oh, SHIT."

"You okay?? You seem... well you don't seem happy to see me." He shakes his head, blinking a few times.

"No, yeah. No, I'm good. It's great to see you actually. I uh... I wish you would have called."

"Oh, yeah... I know. I just wanted to surprise you I gues-"

"Babe, who's at the do- oh... Andrew, hey."

My heart stopped. Babe? I bite my lip, putting everything together. I need to go, I need to go now before I completely lose it. It feels as if I've just been punched in the gut, I can't breathe.

"Andrew... Andrew, you know Chris, my... my uh... my boyfriend. Right?"

I clear my throat and nod, "H-Hey, Chris. How... how are you?"

"Oh you know, just living the dream." I nod, noticing he's only wearing boxers and a white t-shirt, it was probably Garrett's t-shirt actually. Stop. Stop torturing yourself. 

"Well, that's good. Um... Well, it was good seeing you guys, I'm gonna get going." I stand there for a few seconds, trying to get a grip on what was actually happening, "Uh, yeah, I'm gonna go. I'll see you, Garrett." I turn away from the two of them, both standing awkwardly in the doorway.

"Andrew." I can feel tears welling up, I don't turn around.

"Yeah."

"I'm glad you're back."

"Thanks." I walk to my car as quick as humanly possible, feeling the tears start to fall. Breathe, Andrew, just breathe.

I call Shane, not happy, I don't even say hi, or give him the chance to say hi, "You said they were broken up. You told me, you said.... you said 'Andrew come back home, Garrett misses you! Andrew come home and be with Garrett, you're perfect for each other.' You told me they were broken up. What the hell happened?" I fumble my keys, trying to put them into the ignition of my car, my hands were shaking so bad at this point.

"Whoa, wait you went to his house? Oh, shit...Wait, what?? They're back together? No, no, that can't be right... they were literally broken up two days ago? Garrett told me he wouldn't go back to him, not after what Chris did."

"Well I guess they made up, I found that out the hard way."

"That can't be right... Look, come over and we'll figure this out."

"Fine." I hang up and head over to Shane's house.

Shane tackles me with a hug as soon as he opens the door. "I am so fucking sorry, Andrew. I swear I didn't know he was going to get back together with him. Not afte-"

"Shane!" Ryland smacks him on the shoulder.

"What?"

"Garrett asked us to keep that a secret..."

"Oh come on, it's Andrew."

"Keep what a secret?"

"Shane! No! He trusted us not to say anything." I glare at Ryland.

"RYLAND, IT'S ANDREW. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE LOVE OF GARRETTS LIFE OKAY? IM TELLING HIM."

"TELLING ME WHAT??" I can't take the suspense anymore. 

"Okay, so you might want to sit down for this, or well... I don't know, I don't know how you're gonna react... just don't punch any holes in the walls."

"Okay? What's going on? What happened?"

"It happened a couple weeks ago, Garrett and Chris had been broken up for about a week and well I guess they'd been hanging out, trying to fix things and I guess you came up in their conversation and Chris got really pissed, like super fucking mad and he kind of..." I can already tell where he's going with this, I feel sick to my stomach. I swear if anyone hurt my baby, Garrett, I'd end them. I wasn't a big guy, but I could definitely fuck a bitch up.

"He didn't...." I begin, my fists are ready, I was about ready to drive back over to Garrett's and beat the shit out of Chris.

"He hit him in the face, and basically destroyed the house." Yup, I'm going to kill him.

"I'm sorry he what? And Garrett's back with him why? Why did you let him?? I'm sorry what the fuck? No. Where are my keys, I'm going back there. I'll fucking kill the bitch I don't even give a shit. No one fucking hurts Garrett, not on my damn watch that's for GOD damn sure." I'm pacing now, my sleeves rolled up all the way to my elbows. I search for my keys but Ryland has them.

"Andrew, no!"

"I'm sorry, it sounded like you just told me I wasn't going to go kill the son of a BITCH that hit Garrett, that's fucking cute. Give me my DAMN keys."

"No!"

"Ryland, give me MY DAMN KEYS."

"Andrew, just calm down... okay, I'm sure everything's fine. Look, Shane's calling hi-" the room begins to spin, fear filling my body.

"I went... I showed up at his house, I didn't know... I didn't know they were together. I wouldn't have gone to his house if I knew that they were together. Fuck, I fucked this up. What if... what if he's hurting him right now? Ryland, please give me my keys I have to go check... please, please, please."

"You need to sit down, look, Shane's on the phone with him right now. Everything is fine, if you go back over there it might not be so fine. Just breathe, we'll figure it out. Garrett's a big boy, he can handle himself."

Ryland was right, and I did need to calm down. I didn't have my inhaler with me, and I hadn't planned on having an asthma attack tonight. I sit down and put my head between my knees, trying to control my breathing. I would never be able to forgive myself if I was the reason Garrett got hurt, I'd done enough damage these past few months.

"He's okay, I just called and he said everything was fine." I burst into tears, both very upset at the thought of anyone physically harming him but just grateful that he was okay.

Welcome home.

"What the hell should I do? I really like him, Shane, I was finally ready..."

"I don't know. I wish I did, but we're going to figure it out together. No more lonely Andrew, okay?" I nod.

"Okay."


	10. Done Hiding

Andrew

"Hello?"

"Hello?"

"Andrew?"

"Garrett."

"Hey... Can we talk? Please?"

"We're talking right now." Shane nudges me and mouths the words 'be nice' I roll my eyes but nod my head as if to say 'yes sir'

"Andrew."

"Sorry."

"Can we meet somewhere and talk?" Shouldn't you be worried about your boyfriend beating you? Is what I wanted to say. I choose to bite my tongue instead.

"I'm busy."

Shane nudges me again, "no, you're not," he whispers, "go hang out with him." I shake my head no.

"Is that Shane? Are you with Shane?" 

"Yeah."

"Oh."

Shane nudges me again, "Invite him over." I shake my head quickly, that was not about to happen. He gives me a look and grabs the phone from me.

"Garrett? Hi! Yes, it's Shane. We would LOVE for you to come hang out tonight." He pauses for a second, listening intently. "Just come... No, it'll be fine, you two need to tal-" I reach for my phone, an attempt to well, I didn't really know. Shane holds the phone far from my reach. "Andrew!!! Chill! He's coming over in ten. Okay, bye, Garrett!!" He hangs up and tosses my phone at me.

"Why the hell did you do that?" I feel myself begin to get physically angry, my fists curl into little balls and all I want to do is punch something, anything. "I am NOT ready to talk to him."

"Then why'd you answer the phone?"

He had a point.

"I... well, to make sure he was okay? Because I'm a good friend."

"You answered it because you miss him and you want to fix things between you two."

"I answered it because I wanted to make sure his boyfriend hadn't beaten the shit out of him, and that he wasn't calling for help."

"Shit."

"Well, it's the truth."

No one speaks and we stay quiet until the doorbell rang.

"Fuck." I glare at Shane, "I can't believe you invited him over here."

"Hey! You could've left..."

"Oh, bullshit! You wouldn't have let me, plus... I'm not that mean." 

Ryland lets Garrett in, "Garrett!!!" Shane hops up from the couch and runs over to his friend, hugging him gently. "I know I just saw you last night, but... Well, yeah, ew I don't know why I hugged you."

"Thanks?"

It hurts to look at him, I can tell he's sad and tired. I didn't want this, I wanted him to be happy all of the time. I wanted him to be happy with me. I'm staring, and I know I'm staring but I can't stop. I just had missed him so much, and even though I was angry at him, I couldn't let that stand in the way of us anymore, whether it was us as friends, or us as more than friends.

"Andrew, uh can we?" He motions for me to follow him to the media room.

"Uh, yeah... Yeah, okay." I get up from the couch, shooting Shane a glare for making this happen tonight. I had meant what I'd said when I said I wasn't ready.

"So... About last night," I stop him there.

"It's really not a big deal, and I hope I wasn't interrupting anything."

"No, no, we were just watching a movie."

"Oh, okay." I knew he was lying, I could spot a Garrett lie a mile away.

"Yeah."

"Cool."

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"How... How was Chicago?"

"It was good."

"So, I wanted to explain... Shane told me that you thought me and Chris were broken up."

"Of course he did," I mutter under my breath.

"Yeah... I just, I guess I wanted to explain mysel-"

"You don't have to explain yourself."

"I feel like I do though, I mean... You're my best friend."

"Am I?"

"Yeah??" He looks offended, hurt almost.

"I mean, I didn't know... I knew you were really upset when I left, so I didn't really know where you stood..."

"Well, I called you and left a voicemail."

"Yeah, I know... But, I mean still."

"So you did hear it?"

I nod, "yeah, I heard it."

"And you didn't... you didn't think to call me back?"

"I forgot." I lie.

"Oh." He stares at the ground for a while.

"Yeah... Sorry."

"It's fine." It's not. I know he's hurt and I feel bad but I didn't want to get into it now. 

"So, what did you want to explain to me?" Your absolutely toxic and unhealthy relationship with rat face Chris whom I hate with everything inside of me?

I want to leave, I'm over it. I'm still not ready to talk to Garrett about his relationship, especially when I knew what I did about Chris.

"Oh yeah, about me and Chris..."

"What about him?" That he hit you? That he emotionally, physically, and mentally abuses you? That you look like absolute shit? And probably because of him?

"Well, I know Shane doesn't like him, and I figured you wouldn't either, but he means a lot to me."

I can't even deal at this point, I lash out, "He means a lot to you? Garrett, he broke up with you."

"I know, but we're back together. He told me that he regretted it as soon as he did it. He loves me."

Now I'm mad.

"H-he loves you? You think he loves you??"

"He does! Andrew, I'm serious! Wait you don't think anyone could love me??"

"That's not even what I meant," I roll my eyes, "don't fucking turn this on me. Does he even know you're here?"

"Of course."

"Oh really?"

"Yes! Andrew, he's not my father, I don't have to ask his permission to leave the house."

"Well did you tell him you were going to see me tonight?"

He doesn't answer.

"So that's a no then." The anger in me rising.

"That's not fair..."

"Garrett, what do you MEAN it's not fair? What's not fair is the fact that you have to ask permission to come see me, your supposed best friend... Are you actually serious??"

"I don't have to ask permission to see you!"

"No, he'LL JUST HIT YOU AFTERWARDS."

I might as well have slapped him in the face, he actually looks stunned and I know that I should regret what I said but I didn't. It felt good to get my aggression out. He needed to know how I felt, I was done hiding.

"I should go."

I don't stop him, what would I say? That I was sorry? I wasn't.

"Yeah, probably." I stay where I'm at while he walks out of the room, opening the door, then quickly shutting it behind me.

Garrett

"I don't have to ask permission to see you!" Something in Andrews soft brown eyes flickers and I can tell his response is going to be far from friendly. 

"No, he'LL JUST HIT YOU AFTERWARDS." I gasp.

It felt like the wind had been knocked right out of me. And I feel like bursting into tears right then and there. I stumble to find words that I knew would betray me, words that I could actually get out before I actually lost it.

"I...I should go."

"Yeah, probably." I begin to backtrack, fumbling for the doorknob, opening it quickly. I shut the door behind me, tears rolling off both cheeks.

"Shane, can I..." before I finish I burst into tears. Uncontrollable sobs and Shane rushes to me. I want to both hit and hug him at the same time, sadness overpowering the anger I opt for the hug. He hugs me tight and ushers me into the kitchen.

"Oh my God. Garrett, what happened??"

I don't speak, tears still flowing steadily down my cheeks. My chest is on fire, a panic attack on its way, I know this night could only go down from here. I try to gain control of my body but fail miserably. I sit for a while, just crying. The build-up of both losing and gaining Andrew back into my life, stress from my relationship with Chris, the betrayal from Shane, who'd obviously told Andrew about Chris and I's altercation. I'd trusted him. I'd trusted him so much to keep that a secret. And now the fact that Andrew knew just made it so much more embarrassing to me, and I didn't know why.

"I can't believe you told him." It starts out as a whisper, and then I become angry. Sadness leaving my body, all I feel is a sense of rage I'd never felt before, it takes over in a yell, "I TRUSTED YOU."

"I'm sorry."

"SORRY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU."

"I figured you'd tell him." He says quietly. "I was only trying to help."

"Yeah? Well, then it's my place to tell him about MY life. Got it? I can't believe... God, I can't even look at you right now."

I have to go, I can't stand to be in this house a minute longer. I get up from my seat at the kitchen table, the chair I'd been occupying flying across the room. "I have to go." Shane doesn't try to stop me, he knows better. I wasn't a violent person, well I didn't think I was, not until tonight at least.

As soon as I got home I knew, he was there and not happy.

"You want to tell me where you've been?"

"Not particularly, no." I snarl, the anger left over from Shane's house still sitting heavily on my chest.

"You went to see him didn't you."

"So what if I did, he's my friend."

"Yeah, he's your friend that you're in love with."

"Shut up. Just shut the hell up Chris." I snap, tossing my keys aggressively on the table. I begin to take off my jacket as I make my way to the kitchen. That bottle of whiskey was waiting for me, I planned to drink it all.

"Excuse me? Who do you think you are? Do you not remember what happened the last time we fought?" He bucks up at me, completely ignoring my personal space. He's so close to me I could tell you what he had for dinner that night.

"Get away from me." I'm so close to rocking his shit.

He places his hand right where he'd clocked me a few weeks ago, the bruise had gone, but even the slightest touch caused me pain.

"Why don't we have another "cabinet incident", you'll learn to stop seeing that piece of shit boy you call a friend." He caresses my cheek.

"If you don't get away from me, I'm going to beat your ass, don't think I won't."

He chuckles, smiling to himself "oh baby, I wish you would."

I am not a violent person. I am not a violent person.

"Get away from me."

"Or what?"

"Chris, seriously, you need to leave."

"What could you even do?"

"Is that a question you want answered? Get the fuck out of my house, I never want to see you here again."

"So when you went to see him... did you fuck? Or did he just play with your heart again? Is that why you're so upset? The boy you love doesn't love you back? He will never love you, he doesn't love you." I bite my lip, tears forming up.

"Get out."

"Fine. But don't fucking call me when you're left all alone AGAIN." He slams his hand against the wall next to my face. I flinch, remembering the last time he'd done that, he'd connected with my face. He slams the door behind him, I fall to my knees, absolutely destroyed.

~

I don't know where I am. I had been in my house, laying on my couch drowning my sorrows with whiskey and tears. Now, I wander the street barefoot for some odd reason, nothing to my name but an empty bottle of whiskey and a half dead iPhone in my pants pocket. I walk along the side of the road, ignoring the perfectly good sidewalk a few feet away. Who cared anymore? It seemed life had gotten the better of me, any sort of good in the world had been thrown out the window. I stumble along until I find myself sitting on the side of the road. My thoughts getting the better of me, anger inside of me building up. I slam the bottle against the curb, shattering it instantly, shards flying everywhere. I toss the rest of the bottle to the side, then instantly lunge for it thinking of all the little creatures it would harm. 

I don't even notice the cut on my hand until much later into the night, I'd been staring at the pavement for a good fifteen minutes by now. Wanting nothing but to go home, however, I had no idea where home was, I wish Andrew was here. 

"Hey man... Are you okay?" A voice startles me from my trance.

"Hmm?"

"Whoa, you're bleeding... Seriously are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital?" Bleeding? I look down at my hand, so that's what that stinging was.

"I uh... No. I'm oka-"

I passed out, my head hitting the sidewalk slightly as I slump over onto the cold hard ground.

 

Andrew

Why was he calling me this late? Had Chris hit him again? As much as I didn't want to answer, I knew I had to.

"Hello?"

"Is this Andrew Siwicki?" 

That's not Garrett, and it wasn't Chris. I begin to panic, a million scenarios running through my mind. Don't be dead, don't be dead, please, don't be dead. 

"Uh yes, who is this?" My voice comes out shaky, and afraid.

"I found your friend, I don't know his name... Anyways, this was the last number dialed, he's sitting on the curb with a pretty nasty cut on his hand, he took one glimpse and passed out. Do you want to come to get him or should I call the cops? He's definitely drunk off his ass." 

I'm already halfway out the door. 

"No, no, I'll be there to get him, send me the address? Will you stay with him until I get there though? I don't want anything to happen to him..."

"Sure, I'll send it. See you in a bit."

"Thank you, I'll be there soon." I plug the address into my GPS and start the car.

I sped the whole way there, expecting the worse but praying for the best. A cut? Had Chris cut him? Had Garrett cut himself? Too many questions. Thankfully he wasn't that far away, I pull up to the stranger and Garrett and jump out of the car, almost forgetting to put it in park. I leave it running as I jog up to the two of them. Garrett was awake, his head propped on his hands which were resting on his knees.

"Andrew. Hi. I'm drunk." I thank the stranger and sit down beside my friend.

I hug him, a tear rolling down my cheek. I breathe in a sigh of relief, so thankful he's okay. I pull away to examine his cut. Not too bad, he hadn't been cutting himself, I breathe another sigh of relief.

"W-who? Who did this?" 

"Oh... that was me, I had my whiskey bottle but it was empty so I decided to just hold it you know, save the earth and whatnot. And then I started thinking about tonight and everything that had happened, and really everything that's been happening and I just got so mad, Andrew. I got so mad that I hit it, I hit it against the curb, and it broke. I was going to leave it there but then I remembered that people walk their dogs and cats and sometimes turtles on this sidewalk, it's true, I've seen someone walk their turtle one time. I should get a turtle, I would name it Phil, Phil the turtle, we'd go on so many good but slow walks. You could join if you'd like, you could also get a pet... Maybe a snail? So Phil wouldn't be insecure about how slow he walked. We could go on walks together with our pets, slow walks of course. We could spend more time together, because well I miss you. I know I keep saying that. But I do. And I don't know why I keep fucking everything up. I want you in my life, forever. I don't care if you don't love me, I don't care if you'll never love me. I just want you to be in my life for the rest of it. You're seriously the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm tired of fighting and being on eggshells all the time. When you left I thought I was going to die, and when you didn't call me back, I wanted to die. I thought you hated me, I hated myself so much. I felt so selfish for trying to keep you here when you clearly didn't want to be. I hated that you were such a huge part of my happiness, so then I tried to replace you but it didn't work. And then me and Chris had that awful fight and he hit me, and I wanted to call you so bad, but I knew you would have flipped out so I didn't. I didn't want you to worry about me. Andrew?"

I try to hide the fact that I'm crying, my heart aching for what he'd gone through, which was basically the same thing I'd been through. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, ever.

"Hmm?" I don't realize I've been stroking his head, an attempt to calm myself down.

"Can we clean this cut out please, it's starting to really hurt." 

"What?? Oh yeah. Yeah, we should probably go..." I help him up which was hard to do since he was significantly taller than me and drunk. 

"Okay, good. Also... I'm hungry." I can't help but smile.

"Of course you are, don't worry we'll post mate something when we get home."

"Chipotle?"

"Whatever you want bab- Gar." Had I almost called him babe? No. Yes.

"Did you just almost call me babe?" 

"No."

"Yes, you did."

"No."

"Andrew, yes you did. Come on, admit it, I won't remember it tomorrow anyway." 

He had a point. 

"Okay, fine. Yes, I almost called you babe."

"Cool." He smiles at me. "Can I get a burrito?" 

Thankful for the subject change, I smile, "Of course. You can have whatever you want."

We finally arrive at my apartment and I shuffle him inside like a child, shoving him into the bathroom. I had to have some hydrogen peroxide or something somewhere. I search through my cabinets quickly, hoping his cut hadn't already been infected.

"WHOAAA! ANdrew!! MAgnUm hUH???" 

He'd found the condoms.

"Um."

"Oh, you're embarrassed, okay I'll stop." But I didn't want him to. 

"Here, let me see your hand." 

He shakes his head, "Um... No." 

"What?"

"No."

"No?" He holds his hand away from me.

"No, I will not give you my hand."

"Why not?"

"It's going to hurt."

"Garrett, it could be infected, give me your hand."

"No!"

"Garrett, I'm not messing around. We need to clean it, do you want to go to the hospital?"

"It's going to hurt!!!"

"Garrett." 

"Andrew."

"Give me your damn hand."

"Hell no." He smirks, holding it back. 

"Stop smirking, you know I can't take you seriously when you do that."

"Sounds like a personal problem, my love."

"Garrett!"

"Andrew!!"

"Give me your hand!" 

"Um, that'd still be a no."

"I swear to God, Garrett if your cut is actually infected and I have to take you to the emergency room I'm going to kill you."

"Bullshit, you couldn't harm a mere fly." I roll my eyes, knowing he was right. I'd never do anything to hurt him intentionally. 

"Please, just give me your hand, it'll take like two seconds and then we can order food. I am begging you." I try to take his hand again and am successful. I hold it gently, it's so soft.

"It's going to hurt so bad." He whimpers, his lower lip beginning to quiver. 

"Not if I squeeze it like this," I squeeze it tightly trying to pour the liquid while doing so. He figures out what I'm doing and jerks his hand away, the peroxide spills all over his pants, as well as mine.

"ANDREW! MY PANTS."

"You're the one who made me spill it!!!!"

"That is so not true!!!" I'm losing my patience.

"GIVE ME YOUR HAND BEFORE I ACTUALLY LOSE MY SHIT." 

"NEVER." I grab his hand firmly, he tries to jerk it away from me again, resulting in him pulling me close to him. 

Oh fuck.

I'm inches away from his face, his beautiful, drunk, face. 

"G-Garrett..."

"Andrew." 

"Garrett..." I stare at his perfect lips, subconsciously licking my own. 

"Kiss me."

"Garrett I ca-"

"Please." And just the look in his eyes is enough to persuade me. 

He leans in just a bit closer and soon our lips are meeting, he grabs at my jacket pulling me in closer to him. My heart races as he deepens the kiss, sliding his tongue into my mouth. This is really happening. I kiss him back, an overwhelming sense of joy rushing over me. I run my hands through his dirty blonde hair, I never want this to end. Our chests pressed firmly against each other, his hand on the small of my back pressing me in even closer. I can't breathe but it's okay, I could die right now and have no regrets. He quickly takes over, all traces of him being a clumsy drunk have left the room, he stands from where he's been sitting on the counter. Taking my face in both of his hands, he pushes me up against the bathroom wall, deepening the kiss even more. I still can't breathe, my lungs begin to burn, but I don't care. I never want this moment to end. He's getting his blood on my face but again, I don't care. His hands roam around to the back of my head, grabbing fistfuls of my hair, pulling gently at first. He mutters, "I've wanted this for so long, you don't even know." I don't speak, I just want his lips on mine. He kisses me again, this time his hands trailing down my spine, pressing our bodies close together, I melt into him because I'd wanted the same for so long. I'm so caught up in the kiss that I completely forget that he's drunk, as soon as I remember this I know we have to stop. 

"Garrett..."

"Stop, no speaking."

"Seriously, Garrett..." I push him back gently.

"We can't... I can't... You're drunk."

"Am not." He leans in again, but I force myself to back up. 

"Yes, you are." 

"So?"

"So?? I can't let you kiss me when you're drunk, it's not right."

"It is right though, it's so right. You know it, and I know it."

"We can't do this now." His face turns sour, he begins to pout again, his lip quivering. 

"Chris was right." I cringe at the name.

"What do you mean?"

"He was right."

"Right about what?"

"You'll never love me."

My heart breaks.

If you only knew, Garrett Watts, if you only fucking knew.


	11. New Pancakes

Garrett

"Did... Do... do you remember, well of course you remember. We kissed. Um, so, yeah..." Good job Garrett, you sound like a fucking idiot. I feel my face turn bright red, all of a sudden feeling extra shy around him.

"I remember."

"You do? I mean, yeah. Cool."

"Garrett... I j-"

"Don't say anything, don't ruin it for me... I know, I know you don't have 'those' feelings... You were just being nice, weren't you..."

He doesn't respond.

Ouch.

"It's not that."

"Oh?"

Then what was it?

"I just... We just started being friends again... I don't wanna mess that up. Do you?"

"Who says it'll mess it up?" He shrugs his shoulders, thinking about it for a moment.

"I think... I think we should work on our friendship before anything..." I know he's right and I hate it. I hate it so damn much.

"Yeah."

"Are you mad?"

"Yeah."

"At me?"

"No, God no, I could never be mad at you."

"Okay, cool... Well, also, I wanted to apologize for what I said the other night... I didn't mean to throw that personal shit in your face, I knew it was wrong. I just... I don't know, I hate him so much, and I hate that you were with him... I guess it was jealousy or whatever, I don't know."

"Jealousy? What do you mean?"

"Uh, just... You know, I was jealous of all the time you spent with him... You're my best friend and I guess I just got jealous."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So, we're friends then? I can't kiss you again?"

"I don't know, do you kiss all of your friends?"

"I could make an exception." He laughs, shaking his head. God, that smile could bring peace to this whole damn world.

"I don't think it's a good idea." He goes on to speak but then stops himself. I hated when he did that and he did it almost everytime he spoke. I wanted to shake him and scream 'just let it out' but of course, I kept my thoughts to myself.

"Well, that sucks."

"I'm sorry."

I try to act as if I'm not disappointed but I am, I should be mad at Andrew for letting me kiss him, but then again that kiss was so amazing. I couldn't be mad. He was right, we did need to work on our friendship, we'd been walking on eggshells for months now, and it was getting to be quite annoying actually.

"So, Andrew, wanna get some breakfast?"

He smiles from his spot on the couch, "I'd love to."

It felt so good to have us back, I could almost cry I was so happy. I stare as he cuts his pancakes into squares before eating them.

"Are you going to eat? You haven't touched your plate. That's not like you."

"I know. I'm just distracted I guess."

"How come?"

"I don't know, I guess... Can I be honest?"

"I'd prefer it, I think we've both done enough hiding for a lifetime, don't you?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"What's on your mind?" I start to feel myself get nervous, and the pancakes on my plate look great, I try to take a bite but Andrews hand on mine stops me. "Just, say it."

"I just... It sucks." I stop to collect my thoughts, I hadn't really planned out what I was going to say just yet, "I don't even know, I sound dumb just saying it,"

"I promise you, you don't."

"No, you're right..." I decide not to say what I was originally going to, "I'm glad we're working on our friendship again, we had some good times."

"Garrett..."

"What?"

"I know you're not saying what you want to say..."

"What I want to say isn't going to be beneficial to anything, it's fine. How are your pancakes?" He rolls his eyes.

"They're good, how are yours?" I steal a piece of pancake from his plate and eat it, I chew for a minute, "Garrett!"

"Hmmm, not as good as yours... Switch me?"

"We got the same thing?"

"I know... But, switch me??"

"Garrett...."

"Please!!!!! Please, please, please!"

"You are acting like a child."

"Andrewwwwww please."

"Oh my God, here." He switches our plates, a fake frown on his face, I can tell it's fake because of the twinkle in his eyes.

"You're the best." I take another bite of what were now my pancakes, "Oh yes, much better." He takes a bite of his new pancakes and rolls his eyes.

"They're. The. Same. Pancakes."

"I know, yours are just better though."

We finish breakfast quickly, neither of us slow eaters and pay the bill. I offer to pay, but Andrew shakes his head no.

"I got this one, you can get the next?" There would be a next? I wasn't arguing, I nod and figure I'd buy him coffee or something to even the score.

"Thank you."

"Of course."

"So, what are your plans today?"

He shrugs, "I was going to go to Shanes, I think he has a new video idea he wants to talk about it, want to tag along?"

"Well yeah, of course I do?!"

"Okay, well let me make sure he's free, and we can do that."

Shane isn't busy, so we plan on heading on over to the house. However, Shane had ordered us to bring coffee so that was stop number one. I catch myself staring at Andrew as he pulls out of the IHOP parking lot, he was so damn beautiful, how had I not noticed it before? I mean, yeah I always had known he was attractive, but there was something so much more to his attractiveness now. Was that a word? Attractiveness? It should be. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that we had kissed, yeah, that had to be what it was. You can't get significantly more attractive overnight, can you? And, if you could, could that happen to me?

"Do I have something on my face?"

"Huh?" I look away, instantly feeling embarrassed. Two for two, Garrett, keep it up. "Oh, uh, no... I was looking for cars... You're good on your left."

"Thanks." He chuckles, shaking his head, "I almost forgot how goofy you are, I missed that." He looks over at me, smiling. Please, murder me. He's so beautiful, this was a problem.

"You're so welcome."

"So Starbucks then?"

"Y-yeah, yes." Oh my God, you act as if you've never had a conversation in your entire life, get it together. I decide that I've done enough talking for the time being, and try to keep my words to a minimum before I embarrass myself any more than I already had. I can hear him chuckling softly to himself, my face begins to burn a bright red, yet again.

"You gotta calm down, Watts."

"I'm calm."

"Okay."

"O-Okay."

We finally make it to Shane's after what seems like a never-ending journey. I'd spilled Rylands chai venti soy mocha whatever on me three times and now needed new pants. Great.

"Friends!! Welcome!!! Coffee??" Shane greets us in his usual way, Andrew nods, pointing at the coffees in my hand.

"I still don't understand why I had to carry them in..." I mutter as I set them on the table, flicking chai soy mocha whatever off of my hands.

"Because I drove."

"Yeah, yeah, okay." I rush off to find new pants, I knew I had an extra pair here, so I make my way to them.

"So you two are good then?" I hear Shane ask Andrew.

"Yeah, we're great. We actually had breakfast today."

"Wow, thanks for the invite."

"Yeah, I'm starving!" Ryland chirps, "Oooh, is that my chai tea latte?" Okay so I was way off with what he got but whatever. I enter one of the spare bedrooms in search for my pants, I quickly find them and head to the bathroom that connected through the media room. I remove my pants quickly after locking the door.

"Yeah! I'm excited too! Let me use the restroom real quick, I just drank all that coffee." It's Andrew. Wait, why did his voice sound so loud? Please, please, no, don't tell me. The door opens and why yes, there stands Andrew.

"Um. Hi."

"Garrett, uh? Why... Why are your pants... AM I interrupting?" My face is on fire, I've never felt so embarrassed.

"I spilled Rylands mocha soy chai whatever, I'm changing my pants." He doesn't speak, his eyes are fixed on my lower half. "Andrew?"

"Huh?"

"Can I change my pants?"

"What? Yeah, sure." He doesn't move, what is he doing? Does he expect me to change right here? With him in the bathroom? "Oh you want me to leave, right... Yeah, sorry." I shake my head.

"No worries... Just would like to get pants on as soon as humanly possible."

"Right, right." He finally moves his glance from me in my boxers, turning to leave. He shuts the door behind him. I want to die. I quickly put the pants on, I should have locked both doors. I feel like such an idiot. I don't even want to leave the bathroom at this point, I should just stay in there all d- "Garrett??"

"UH... Yeah??"

"I really have to pee, are you done in there??" Fuck. I grab my now tea stained pants and exit the bathroom.

"It's all yours buddy." Buddy? I want to literally slap myself, why was I like this?

"Thanks."

Andrew

Fuck, fuck, fuck. His pants were off. Fuck. Okay, no big deal Andrew just chill, focus on your pee. I can't believe I'd just walked in on Garrett changing in the bathroom. Of all bathrooms, I had to choose the one Garret was half naked in, of course. I can't help but imagine him half naked again, but this time in my room...

Stop, stop it right now. I shake my head, a tragic attempt to rid it of dirty thoughts of my friend. He's your friend, he's your best friend, and even though you have hella feelings for him, and are possibly in love with him that doesn't mean you can go around imagining him naked in your room. I finish my business and wash my hands quickly, eager to get back out there.

"WAIT. WHAT???"

"No!!!! Shane!! Don't tell him I told you!!! I didn't mean to! Oh no!!! Andrewwww...."

I'm guessing Garrett had just told the group about our kiss.

"What's going on?"

"You two KISSED?"

"Uh. Well. Yeah."

"OH MY GOD!!!"

"I'm sorry!!! I didn't mean to tell them..." Garrett looks scared almost. I shake my head and smile softly.

"Gar, they were bound to find out eventually."

"So you're not mad then?"

"Why would I be mad? I'm not ashamed of what happened." Garrett smiles wide.

"Oh, good. Me either. I'm not... I'm not ashamed of what happened... either... like... at all."

"Well, this changes everything!!!"

"Does it?"

"Yes!!!"

"How exactly does it change everything?"

"Well, you two will start dating and be the cutest couple ever!! Did you kiss him after or before you told him you were bi?"

"WAIT, WHAT?"

"Wait, what?"

"I hadn't... I hadn't quite made it that far, Shane... thanks for that."

"Ooooh... my bad. I'm sorry!! I just figured, I mean you two kissed, so..."

"No, it's fine, really. I didn't really have anything elaborate planned." I look around anxiously, I find Garrett's gaze, the sparkle in his eyes somewhat dim. Had I made a mistake by not telling him sooner?

"When... when were you going to tell me?" He asked softly.

"Garrett, no... I wasn't hiding it from you! No, I just, I didn't know when. We kissed, and then you fell asleep and then this morning when we were talking I guess I forgot, and then we got breakfast and you kept stealing my pancakes."

"Oh.. okay."

"Gar, I swear... I wouldn't intentionally keep that from you. I promise. You have to believe me here."

"No, no, yeah... of course, yeah." I put a hand on his shoulder.

"Garrett, look at me."

He obeys.

"I promise you. No more secrets." He smiles, putting his hand on top of mine. It's warm and soft, I smile back at him.

"Okay."

"Okay, well you two are clearly married." Shane pipes up, I'd forgotten he was even in the room.

"Yeah, you two are so cute. Shane why can't we be cute like that???" Ryland whines.

"Because you're a diva, and I'm a grumpy dad."

"True."

"So what's your idea then?" I ask, trying to change the subject.

"Ugh, I don't even remember... oh wait, yeah no... I don't wanna do that."

"Do what?"

"Nothing. I got nothing."

"Wait!!! I had a video planned with Jeffree! We were going to give Garrett a makeover." My mood changes instantly, I bite my tongue to keep from frowning. Get it together. It's not that I didn't like Jeffree, because I did. Well, okay, I liked him when he wasn't flirting with Garrett. And that was all the time. So I guess maybe I don't like him. It's a dumb reason, I know, but I couldn't help it.

"Oooh! I love Jeffree!!" Garrett squeals, of course, he did. I roll my eyes, instantly regretting it. Shane shoots me a 'you good?' look. I fake a smile and nod.

"Great, so we're filming with Jeffree then?"

"Well, he's probably busy running his empire, but let me call him!"

"Already texted! He's down!!" Garrett chirped, I don't know why that bothered me so much but it did. Garrett and I were just friends, it had been my idea for us to be friends, so why was I so bothered by this??

"Well, you work fast..." Shane shoots a wink at Garrett. I can feel the anger in my chest building up, fuck, this had to stop and I need to chill out.

"I'm going to go check the camera," I say, excusing myself from the room.

I walk down the hallway away from the group, I try and clear my mind of any negative thoughts. Squeezing my fists in an attempt to ease the anger.

"Hey, Andrew!" I stop, it's Garrett.

"Oh, hey."

"Are you okay? You seem... I don't know, irritated."

"I'm fine, Garrett." I try to smile, but I know it's coming off forced.

"Are you sure?? You seem mad." I shake my head no.

"I'm not mad,"

"I thought we weren't going to lie anym-"

"Garrett, I'm seriously fine. I gotta go check the camera." I turn to leave, not wanting to talk anymore. He grabs my hand before I can leave. "What are you doing?"

"I... I don't know... I just.. I don't know, I'm sorry." He stutters, removing his hand. I sigh, I know that I'm being an ass.

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you. You don't deserve that. I'm just tired." Which wasn't exactly a lie, I was tired.

"Is that all?"

"Yeah."

No.

"Okay, well hopefully you get some rest tonight?? Or maybe you can sleep on the way to Jeffree's?" I can't help but smile, I did not deserve this boy.

"You're right."

"Do you want my coffee?? I drank a little, but since you're tired I don't mind sharing." I smile and shake my head.

I really did not deserve this boy.


	12. Perfect The Way You Are

A/N : I love Jeffree Star, this is no shade to him in real life. This is just for the story, okay thank you all, goodnight!

Andrew

It wasn't a good day, and I was trying, I was trying so hard. It seemed that everything he said or did was rubbing me the wrong way. I never thought of myself the jealous type until today. I could see Jeffree rubbing Garrett's thigh casually, holding his hand as they walked through the stores. It was literal hell to watch Garrett flirt and be flirted with. It hurt to see, but it hurt even more when I realized that he seemed to enjoy it. I wished it was me holding his hand, whispering flirty remarks in his ear as we walked through stores.

I'd really lost it when Jeffree insisted he join Garrett in the dressing room to "help" him with his pants. But what could I do? I had to film. I sit on the love seat in the dressing room as the two make comments on the pants he was trying on, which by the way were definitely not for Garrett. I hated everything about this video, Garrett was perfect the way he was. Jeffree had even said it himself, he didn't want to change anything about him. That'd been the one thing we'd agreed on, Garrett was perfect in every way. I look down at my watch, it was only two thirty, I'd imagine this lasting until at least ten. I sigh and get ready to film the two coming out of the dressing room. I can hear Garrett laughing softly, which made me smile, at least he's happy. He opens the door, and I can tell he's uncomfortable.

"What do you think?" He looks to the ground, suddenly very shy. I pan down his legs, the pants looked okay, definitely not Garrett though.

"Well..."

"YOU LOOK FABULOUS!" Shane comes up from behind me, him and Ryland just now joining the rest of us.

"Really??"

"YES! I LIVE. YOU'RE GETTING THEM." Shane pulls out his card dramatically.

"I don't know... I don't really like them..."

"WHO CARES! YOU LOOK GREAT. Put them on my card!"

"Oh, no need, I have a tab here, it's on me." Jeffree casually fronts, smirking a little.

"Oh my god, queen."

I can't help but roll my eyes.

"Is there a problem?" My eyes widen, shaking my head.

"What? No. No, no problem here. I'm just tired."

"Well if you're tired I can have my crew come and film for Shane if that's okay?" Did he really just say that? I can feel the anger rising in my chest, my hands begin to shake, I bite my tongue to keep from going off. Blood begins to pool in my mouth from how hard I've just bitten it. I'm trying to keep my cool, but I really feel like I'm going to lose my shit. I don't say anything in fear of saying the wrong thing.

"I don't think that's necessary..." Garrett speaks for me, "Maybe we can just get some more coffee? Andrew? You and I could go get some while Jeffree and Shane discuss my hair situation?" I look to Garrett, the anger in my chest cooling down. He knows. He knows I'm upset, and I am so thankful for this opportunity to leave, and leave with him by my side and not Jeffree's. I nod.

"Uh, yeah. Coffee sounds great." I give the camera to Shane not even asking his permission, all I know is that I need to get out of that room now. "I'll wait out in the store while you change?" Garrett nods, and I get the hell out of there. My hands still somewhat shaking, of course, they weren't as bad as they'd been, but they were shaking still. I take a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself down before Garrett reached me.

His hand on my shoulder makes me jump, I realize it's him and feel myself calm down. My stomach is in knots after the conversation with Jeffree, and all I want to do is leave this place.

"Easy there tiger..." His voice is soft and calming. "Are you okay?"

No, hell no.

"Um..." I debate whether I should tell him how I feel or not, I decide that now is not the time, considering we still had a video to film. I nod and start walking out of the store.

"Andrew."

"Garrett, I'm good."

"No, you're not."

"Okay!!! So I'm not!! There's nothing anyone can do about it." I let him have this one, not wanting to fight.

"Well, what's the matter? Let me fix it..." I want to cry, I want to cry because here was this perfect boy who'd do anything for me, and here I was keeping us from being together. It was my fault that I was jealous, my fault that I was upset. I shake my head searching for something to tell him to ease his mind.

"It's not anything you can do, Gar. It's a me problem, I'm going to have to fix it within myself."

"Well can you at least tell me what it is?"

"I don't think it would change anything."

"It might..." I shake my head.

"No, it won't."

"Okay." He backs off, "well, let's get you some coffee then, my treat."

We head in the direction of the nearest Starbucks, not talking as we walk. I imagine what life would be like if we were to actually date. I'd be holding his hand as we strolled through the mall, we'd go to comic book stores for him, and hell I don't know where for me. I didn't really like the mall, but for Garrett, I'd go anywhere. Maybe Bath and Body Works? I really liked their candles. I imagine what life at home would be like, would we live together? I'd hope so, I imagine myself never wanting to be apart from him while we dated. Life with him was just so much more enjoyable. So why was I stopping us from happening?

I don't know.

I wish I did.

"Your usual?"

"Hmm?" Garrett pokes at me.

"Have you been daydreaming this whole time?"

"What? No."

"Yes, you have!!"

"So what if I have? And no I wasn't daydreaming, I was just thinking."

"Uh huh... Okay... So your usual?"

"Yes, please." He nods and goes up to order.

I wished we could end the day here, get into our car and just drive home. But I know that's not going to happen. I thank Garrett for the coffee and we head back to the store we'd left the group at.

"So you're really not going to tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, I'm just... I don't know, I just... I don't know it's confusing for me to talk about."

"Well... If you figure it out will you tell me?"

"You'll be the first to know, trust me."

"I better be." He smiles warmly at me, I smile back. As much as I enjoyed goofy Garrett, soft Garrett was definitely my favorite. There was just something so amazing about him, the way he smiled when he knew I was upset like he wanted to make it go away. The way he'd rescued me today, he'd honestly saved me from an incredibly uncomfortable situation. Thank God, for him.

"What are you two grinning about? Oh my God, did you suck him off in the bathroom???"

"SHANE!" Garrett smacks him on the shoulder, "Enough, already!" But, I don't mind it. I laugh a little, thinking what he's said to be funny.

"I'm kidding!!!"

"Sure you are..."

"Well if we're talking about blowjobs I'd be happy to give a few pointers, I mean... I'd have to practice first..." Jeffree slides beside Garrett, bringing his hand around his waist, brushing my side slightly.

"Oh, excuse me," I muttered, stepping away from Garrett.

"Well, actually you might want to give Andrew some pointers," Shane points in my direction, "He's bi now, and living his best life." If looks could kill, Shane Dawson would be dead, the man had no filter.

"Oh is he?" Jeffree turns his attention to me.

"Yeah."

"Interesting."

"Is it?"

"I mean, yeah, it seems a couple weeks ago you were all over that one girl? Did you see the video?" I grit my teeth.

"It was like a month ago, yeah I saw the video, we don't talk anymore but thank you for your input."

"Andrew." Garrett shoots me a look.

"What?" I snap, I was almost at my limit.

"You want to go get a cookie? I'm hungry." I nod, handing the camera to Shane yet again.

"You two just got back?? Garrett, really??"

"I want a cookie, Shane!"

"Fine, but hurry back!"

It seemed that Jeffree was intentionally trying to make me mad, but I know he wasn't. It's just how he was, and that's what made it so hard for me to admit to Garrett that Jeffree was the one bothering me. I bite my tongue and decide to let it go. At the end of the day, I knew Garrett was my good friend, and he'd be with me, not Jeffree.

"Dude, you hate him don't you."

"I don't... He just... He pushes my buttons."

"I didn't even know you had buttons."

"Well, how could you? You never push them."

"Is that a bad thing?" I roll my eyes, smiling a bit.

"Do you really think that's a bad thing?"

"No."

"Then?"

"How much longer do you think we'll be filming tonight?"

"Hopefully not much longer."

"Because you're sick of Jeffree and ready to go home and chill?"

"Yeah... I mean, no. I mean, Garrett!"

"What? It's what you're thinking and we both know it."

"I know... But, I feel bad, I know you, Shane, and Ryland love him, and he's a cool guy... I just... I don't know."

"You just hate the shit out of him."

"I do not!!"

"Don't even lie!!"

"Don't make me lie then," I mutter. "What kind of cookie do you want?"

"I don't know... I actually shouldn't have anything, I really need to lose some weight."

"Garrett, don't even say that you're perfect how you are." He blushes but shakes his head.

"No... I really do, maybe I'll just get a smoothie, or something healthy." I shake my head, getting upset that Garrett feels this way about his body.

"Well, I think you're perfect the way you are."

"I could kiss you right now."

"I wish you would."

Fuck.

"What?"

"What?"

"You said..."

"What kind of cookie do you want?" I don't even know why I try to change the subject, he's grinning at me from ear to ear.

"You want... you want me to kiss you?"

"Hmm? Sugar? Chocolate chip? Peanut butter?"

"Andrewww!!!"

"Garrett!!" I point at all of the cookies.

"Seriously Andrew, you can't expect me to think about cookies when you've just sai- chocolate chip please when you've just said that you would like for me to kiss you." I begin to laugh at Garrett saying what cookie he wanted mid-sentence, he hadn't missed a beat. I order the cookies and pay while Garrett continues. "Like I was saying, you can't say stuff like tha-"

"Oh, and you can?"

"I mean... yeah! You're the one who says we can't be together, you're the one who's been shying away from the idea of there being an us, and for the life of me I can't understand why!!"

"I don't understand it either."

He's quiet for a while, I rack my brain for something to say, but I got nothing.

"Hey, we decided that's enough filming for today. Ryland was feeling really sick so he and I are going to ride home with Jeffree, was wondering if you two wouldn't mind ubering back to mine?" - Shane

I read the message carefully, I try to contain my excitement for this God awful day to be over.

"Sorry to hear that, no worries, we will meet you at the house."

"Did Shane text you too?" Garrett looks over at me, holding his phone up. I nod.

"So it looks like we get to go home, finally." I honestly couldn't wait to be home.

"I'll call the uber."

It doesn't take long for the uber to arrive, and soon we are both on our way back to Shanes house. Today had been probably one of the worst days I'd seen in a while. I lean my head back in the seat, closing my eyes I really was so tired. All I wanted to do was go to sleep, well okay... And a few other things, but I wouldn't think them, not while Garrett was in the car.

"So... Can we talk about today? What you said? You wanting me to kiss you, but not wanting us to date?" I sigh, I knew he was going to bring this up, he had every right to.

"Garrett..."

"What? You seriously can't blame me for being curious."

"I don't... I just... How do you expect me to explain it to you when I can hardly understand it myself?"

"It's just... confusing. I don't see what the big problem is."

"I know you don't."

"Stop saying that!"

"Stop saying what??"

"'I know you don't' just tell me what you mean by it. Is it the fact that you don't want to be seen in public with me in that way? Am I too loud? Am I too weird? I know you're used to these pretty girls with perfect bodies, and I know that I am nothing like that... But then I hear you telling me that I'm perfect and that you think I'm perfect how I am, and well damn Andrew, that's so damn sweet and all, but it's hard to believe when you can't tell me why you won't date me."

My heart breaks as I hear Garrett list all of the reasons of why he thinks I won't date him. He'd never been more wrong in his entire life about anything. I shake my head, knowing he can barely see in the dimly lit uber.

"It's not that." I pause before gathering my words, "Do you remember when we were... Well, we weren't really fighting, I guess... We just weren't really speaking?" He nods, I continue, "That was the worst time of my life."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, not talking to you, not having you around? I never want to experience that again. Life without you fucking sucks Gar. It really does, and I just... I can't go through that again. I can't have you not be in my life."

"It's not fair to me though."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... I understand where you're coming from, and trust me, life without you sucks also. But if that's how it's going to be, I just wish you hadn't let me kiss you."

"Garrett..."

"I mean it."

"I... I didn't think it was that big of a deal, honestly, I didn't think you'd remember it."

"I know you're trying to make me feel better, but don't. You're just making it worse."

"Garrett... I'm sorry. I didn't mean..."

"I know you didn't. You never do."

"I'm so-"

"Can we just not talk for now?"

"Gar."

"Please?"

"Fine."

I wanted to take everything back. I wanted to say 'Just kidding! Let's date, let's be together, I'm ready,' I wanted to take his hand in my own, and pull him close. I felt awful about everything, I knew he was hurt, and I didn't know how to fix it. This was what I'd feared, this was what I'd wanted not to happen, what I had hoped to avoid. Why was I like this? Why couldn't I be a normal person, why was I so afraid that everything was just going to end up failing? For the life of me, I couldn't understand why. I knew I had to figure this out soon, there was no way I was going to put Garrett through this for another couple of weeks. I shake my head, there was just no way.


	13. I Want To Do Life With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoIbOemW3lY&feature=youtu.be check out my video!

A/ N: this is the last chapter, my friends. I hope you've all enjoyed this cryfest. I did not expect for this fic to get this much attention, I know it's not the best fic, and I know that it probably has a lot of mistakes and plot holes, but I had fun writing it. I hope to see you all on here again, hopefully, if I decide to write another fic you all will continue to support my semi ok writing that definitely involves too many "..." and commas, lol. ANYWAYS I WILL STOP TALKING.

A/ N; OMG THE REAL REASON I EVEN INCLUDED AN AUTHORS NOTE. I was able to upload my gandrew video to youtube, so it will be above in the media thingy (idk what it is called) but I hope you guys enjoy :) 

 

Garrett

"So how are things with Andrew?"

"I mean, we're friends."

"Is that it? I thought you two had something?"

"Me too."

"So you don't then?"

"I don't even know."

"What do you mean you don't even know?"

"I mean, I don't know."

"Well have you asked him?"

"A thousand times."

"And?"

"And? He doesn't even know."

"What do you mean he doesn't know?"

"Shane. I'm going to murder you if you keep asking me questions."

"Okay, whoa, I didn't realize this was such a touchy subject here."

"Well, it is."

"Why?"

"Shane."

"Sorry."

"I mean... He assures me that he wants to be with me, then proceeds to tell me why we shouldn't be together, then tells me he wants me to kiss him, and then tells me he can't lose me, so, therefore, he can't date me."

"Wait, why does he think he'll lose you?"

"I don't know."

"Doesn't that have to do with your end more though? Did you ever think about his feelings while you were dating Chris? How much it probably hurt him to learn that you'd gotten back with him, even after... you know."

"I honestly hadn't thought about that."

"Something to think about for sure, I mean if my crush went back to his abusive ex and told me that their ex still loved them I'd be hesitant too."

"You think Andrew thinks I have feelings for Chris still?"

"I mean, no, not necessarily feelings for Chris, but did you ever address you guys breaking up?"

"I mean, no but I didn't think it was that important."

"All I know is that if it were me? I'd want to know that you didn't have any leftover feelings for Chris. Not that you do, or that you would but this whole thing is so new to him."

"What whole thing? Relationships? Look, I know he's just come out as bi, and that is so great, I am so happy for him honestly. But, I feel like he's using that as a huge excuse. I mean come on, if I were a girl we would've already gone out on at least two dates."

"I guess you're right, but everyone is different Garrett. I understand your frustration, trust me. I just also see where Andrew is coming from. I went through that same situation and it was so hard, never knowing which decision would be the right one, never knowing how to handle myself once it became public knowledge-"

"It's a damn label, not a disease. You two act as if it's a bad thing to come out, it's not. It's great and cool and I just wish he'd stop hiding and face it."

"Tell me how you really feel, Garrett." Andrew stands in the doorway of the media room. We hadn't heard him come in obviously, I turn my head.

"Andrew, I didn't mean it in a negative way."

"Really? Because I just heard that whole conversation and you sounded pretty negative."

"Guys... Let's all just be civil here."

"Oh, I'm civil as hell Shane."

"Okay."

"Am I really bothering you that much?"

"I don't know how to answer that."

"It's a yes or no."

"No."

"Okay, well that's a blatant lie." His voice comes out shaky, and I know he's upset.

"Andrew." Shane nervously looks at the two of us, he'd rather be anywhere but here, and frankly so would I.

"What? It is. He literally just said that he thought I was using my sexuality as an excuse not to be with him."

"Well, are you?"

"No."

We literally had this fight every time we hung out. It felt as if we were going in circles over and over again, it never seemed to end.

"I guess I'm just tired."

"You're tired?"

"I'm tired of holding my breath." I get up from my seat, I walk towards Andrew grabbing my coat on the way. "Either you want to be with me, or you don't."

"That's not fair."

"No, what's not fair is you dragging me along."

"I'm NOT dragging you along? Why the hell do you keep saying that? I'm not asking you to hang on to my every want and desire, Garrett. I'm asking you to be my friend again."

"I can't."

"You can't what?"

"I can't be your friend."

"Garrett... come on."

"No, I can't... I can't do this anymore Andrew."

I walk to my car, unsure of how to feel, knowing that while I didn't feel good, the adrenaline rushing through my veins was blocking any feelings from registering in my brain. I know I've just said a big thing, and I know I've upset him but my feelings were still processing. I wished with every part of my being that I could understand his logic behind whatever it was that he was doing. I couldn't, and I had tried so hard, I really had. All I know is that I was hurting, and I was really tired of hurting. Maybe a little break from us would be good for me, maybe it's what I needed.

"Are you a fucking idiot?" I snap my head around, Shane's coming at me, full force.

"Excuse me?"

"You fucking asshole. I can't believe you just did that, do you even know what you've just done?" Garrett, oh my GOD. You destroyed him."

"I???? I've destroyed HIM??? What about ME?" I yell, the frustration just getting to me. I want to rip my hair out, it seemed like he was completely disregarding my feelings in all of this.

"This isn't ABOUT YOU!" He looks as if he could actually kill me.

"Look, I am so sorry that he is upset, I really am. I hate seeing him upset, trust me."

"Do you?"

"Yeah? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means, that you literally just ripped his heart out. His greatest fears are coming to life right now. Do you not understand that?"

"I mean, yeah I think I do."

"No, you clearly fucking don't because if you did you wouldn't have fucking done that." I shake my head, everyone was on his side. Why couldn't anyone be on mine for once? What about the guy who'd literally been here waiting to give his whole world to the boy of his dreams? All I wanted was to make that damm boy happy.

"Whatever Shane, I don't need this shit."

"Do NOT walk away from this, Garrett. I swear if you do..."

"If I do what will happen?"

"Fine. You know what, go. If that's how you really feel. You're so selfish you can't think about anyone but yourself for two fucking seconds. That's fine, maybe he's better off without you."

"Fuck you."

"GET OVER YOURSELF, GAR."

"Fuck off, Shane." I slam the door to my car and start the engine.

"So you're really leaving then?" I hadn't even noticed Andrew come outside, he peers out from behind Shane. His voice was quiet and broken, his tear stained cheeks were puffy, his eyes were swollen.

"Yeah. I am."

Andrew

My biggest fear had come true, Garrett was gone and my heart was broken.

"You need to tell him what you told me."

"I can't, he's already made up his mind."

"Look, I know you're mad at him. I'm also mad at him, but you have to tell him what you told me. Seriously, he needs to hear it."

"I know, I just don't think I can say it all again without crying my eyes out. What if he still decides that he's done? Is that it for us? Was all of this for nothing?"

"Over my dead body, there is no way you two just went through all that shit for it to end this way. Nope, not happening."

"I don't know Shane."

"Call him." I sigh and nod, pulling out my phone. My hands shake as they click his contact, his contact picture already making me tear up. It'd been from the first time we'd met, he'd taken it while I was in the restroom. So many memories begin flooding back, but thinking of them just hurt.

"Um. Okay. I'm going to try not to cry... But we both know that's a lie. S-so t-this is prob-probably the last time we'll talk judging off of how tonight went... Fuck, I hate that. Fuck, I don't want to do this at all." Tears are already welling up in my eyes, it's hard to breathe. "Okay, okay, okay, ugh, fuck. So... so once upon a night you left me a sad voicemail, so I guess here's mine..." I take a deep breath, looking at Shane nervously, he nods as if to tell me to continue, "I didn't grow up necessarily in the most accepting environment. I didn't have it so easy like you did so w-when I first realized that I was bisexual I was terrified. God, Garrett I was scared to death, I mean what would my parents think? My siblings? My grandparents? My friends back home? Fellow Youtubers? I was terrified to share that part of my life with anyone. And then I met Shane, I've known that I was bi for a long time. I met Shane and we soon became good friends, I began to see how loving and excepting he was, how great he was at taking someone in with all of their flaws and insecurities, and I realized that I wasn't so scared to come out anymore. I mean, of course, I was a little scared still, but I felt like maybe I could manage. I finally felt okay, I wasn't scared anymore, and then I met you, and I knew I was in trouble. Not only did I find you wildly attractive, but I also began to fall for you. With each video we filmed, each time we all got together to edit videos or even just hang out. I saw how great you were, how excepting and open you were. I saw how you treated others with such respect and love, and I saw just how compassionate and caring you were. It wasn't long before I knew that I had a problem, I liked you, like a lot, but here I was, a 'straight' guy to you, I knew you'd never see me in that way and I began to get angry. So, I distanced myself, I tried to stop liking you, but I figured out pretty soon that it was nearly impossible not to like you. I knew that if I were to ever come out that it'd be because of you, you'd be the one I'd want because I'd fallen completely in love with you. But you were my best friend, my partner in crime, and if I would've realized it'd bring this much pain to you, and to myself, I don't think I would've even acknowledged it. I mean, shit, it got to where you were all I could think about. I thought I was safe coming out to you and I thought that you would be the best person I could confide in about my sexuality. But then we kissed and now all of this has happened, and it now feels like the biggest mistake of my entire life. The guy I'm crazy about isn't in..." It hurts to speak at this point, my voice is so close to giving out completely. The lump in my throat physically hurt me to speak. "I.. I lost my best friend tonight, the person I never thought I'd be without. I can't do this... fuck."

My chest is on fire, I'm hyperventilating at this point, and I feel like I'm bound to pass out at any given minute. I begin to pace around the living room of Shanes house. My hands are shaking so bad, the actual thought of losing Garrett was starting to be too much, I could feel myself about to be sick. Shane attempts to calm me down, taking my hand and leading me to sit down. I set the phone down for a bit, running my hands through my hair, rubbing my temples, my whole body felt as if it was shutting down and I can't feel my legs anymore. All of my air leaving my body. I'm going to be sick, I get up, suddenly the feeling coming back to my legs. I rush to the bathroom, making it just in time. I empty my dinner into the toilet, my whole body shaking so bad I can hardly hold myself up. Shane behind me, rubbing my back soothingly. He helps me to the sink and I wash my hands and rinse my mouth out.

"You need to breathe, we are not going to the ER tonight. I know you're upset, trust me I am upset too, but it's going to be okay. I just need you to try and calm down." I nod, I want nothing more but to calm down. My heart is racing, but the shakiness of my hands have gone down. I'm still breathing rather fast, and my head is still pounding but I make my way back to the couch. "Here, just lay down for a second, the call is still going, if you want to say more." I nod, knowing that I'm not done, not until I say what I need to. What I'd come here for. I lay down on the couch, closing my eyes, my cheeks were tight and kind of burned from the salt in my tears. I take a deep breath, still shaking I continue to speak,

"My heart is broken for us, I regret everything, I regret the kiss, I regret telling you how I feel about you, I regret everything that's happened that has caused us to end on these terms. I can't believe this is happening and if I could, I'd go back in time and change everything. I'd be suffering, but at least you'd be okay and I'd have you as a friend at least. Now, it seems I have nothing. I'm so sorry for all that I have put you through, I didn't mean for any of this to happen. All I wanted was for you to be happy, and for me to possibly be happy with you. Now everything is ruined, and I was right. My worst fears have come true and you're leaving. W-Who am I supposed to do fun things with now? Who am I supposed to follow around? Who do I get to spend Saturday nights with? Get coffee with? Who do I get to play video games with until ungodly hours of the night? Who do I get to do life with?" I feel like I'm done talking, and I'm about to hang up, leave it at that, but Shane nudges my shoulder. I open my eyes,

"Tell him." He shoots me a look, when I shake my head and I sigh, I guess it was worth a shot, I had nothing to lose at this point. I take a deep breath,

"Garrett... I came here tonight... I came here tonight to tell you that I was ready. Ready to try this, ready to try being in a relationship. I was thinking about what you said the other day about us being together and how we could fail if we never tried, and you were right. So I came to Shanes to ask you on a date, and take you out. I wanted to do life with you, I wanted to at least try... Okay, I'm done. I can't breathe, I'm going to go. I'm sorry, again, I... I really am. I didn't mean for this to happen... I didn't mean for..." I hang up the phone, letting out another big sob. Was it over? Were we finished?

Garrett

I can't breathe. I couldn't leave him? What the hell was I thinking? Shane had been so right, I was being selfish. I want to throw up after listening to the voicemail. I hadn't even left Shanes yet. I sit in my car, crying softly. The fact that he'd go back into the closet in order to make me happy actually made me want to throw up. The fact that he thought that I'd be a good person to come out to, the fact that he trusted himself enough to come out in the first place. He was in love with me? I'd been so wrapped up in appearances, and physical interaction that I'd completely overlooked what really mattered. I have to go inside and talk to him and I know that once I start to talk that I'll just cry. But I know it's something that I have to do, I can't let him think that this is over. The overwhelming sense of guilt becoming too much for me to handle I turn my car off. If I could just make it to the door, my hands are shaking bad but I force myself to get out of my car. I clasp my hands together, an attempt to stop them from shaking, but now my whole body is shaking.

"Okay, calm down Garrett. Everything is going to be fine, you're going to go in there and apologize for being an absolute dick. You're going to apologize for putting your best friend through this shit. Hopefully, the two of you will make up, and potentially be able to save what's left of this absolute shit show." I near the front door, I was so nervous. "Get it together." I scold myself, I know Andrew's a mess so I'd have to be the strong one.

I knock on the door.

Shane opens it, his hands clasping over his mouth.

"You heard th-"

"I heard it."

"Andrew."

"Who is it?"

I step through the door, Andrew lays on the couch but sits up once he sees me.

"Holy shit. I thought you left."

"I never left."

I stand there awkwardly, trying to collect my thoughts. I can't think of anything to say, and I actually begin to feel myself start to cry.

"Garrett!" He hops up from the couch, rushing towards me. I didn't usually let myself cry in front of anyone really. This time was different though, the pain in his eyes, the way his voice sounded, just the look of defeat really. He'd tried so hard to please me, and I'd done nothing but criticize him and tear him down.

"I... I really am just an awful person, aren't I?" He shakes his head, wrapping his arms around me.

"No, no, you're not. You're an amazing person."

"I'm not. I'm awful, I should have been patient with you, I should have tried to at least see where you were coming from... I was so wrapped up in myself, and what I wanted that I didn't even try to see things from your point of view. I'm so sorry Andrew."

"It's okay, Garrett. We both have done things that I know we weren't necessarily proud of." I hug him tightly, resting my head on the top of his, he was the perfect height for me.

"I'm sorry that I messed everything up tonight, I'm sorry that I got so caught up in myself that I almost destroyed us. In the end, all that matters is how we feel about each other."

"Well... How do you feel about me?"

"Where do I even start? You are without a doubt one of the most kind, caring, sweet hearted boys I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. When I first met you, I knew I was in trouble. You with your adorable laugh, those brown eyes that could get you out of ANYTHING, your smile... God, your smile sends me to another planet. Getting to know you has been so amazing lately. I know I said a lot of things, things I'm not proud of, at all. I don't know why I said those things because I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you. No, I know for sure, I fucking love you." He smiles the biggest I've ever seen in my entire life.

"I love you."

"And I know, I know it won't be easy. There are so many things I'll have to learn and figure out, but I want to do this. I want you. God, I really fucking do. I want us."

"Oh my God, I'm crying."

"Really, Shane?"

"What??? You're in MY house." I roll my eyes, but he had a point. "Continue, please." Again, I roll my eyes.

"So will you have me back then?"

"Oh, babe. I never let you go." 

A/N: Bro, I am so sorry for this awful ending... I just wanted it to be short and sweet and to the point. I think I might consider writing a sequel to this fic, maybe make it about their relationship and how it ends up? I have absolutely no idea. I just knew I had to end it somewhat soon!! Also! I hope you liked the video! It was a lot of fun to make! I now realize how hard it is to edit, and I give maaaad props to those who make it their job, aka Youtubers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoIbOemW3lY&feature=youtu.be


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